Monday, 10 December 2007

Who am I

I am drunk.

I am drunk and I am alone and lonely and I am bored. I am strong and I am iron willed and I am headstrong. I am torn between what my head tells me and what my heart yearns for and if I am neither my heart nor my head then I don’t know who I am.


Who am I?


Who?


I live in this body. I use its senses to see to hear to touch to smell and to feel. I use this heart to desire to ache to yearn to love to loath to convulse in alternating pangs of yearning and desire and love and loathing and I use this brain to think and contemplate. I use this hand to pour my drink to light my cigarette and I use this mouth to savor them both. I fill these lungs with this poison and I use this respiratory system to exhale the spent lethal smoke out. I use this brain to think to analyze to morally chastise others and myself for doing what I do and yet I am not bound by the thoughts that I force this brain to think. I then make this brain contradict the same line of reasoning I made it rationalize with the arguments I forced upon it. I give it an alternate path of analytical and logical reasoning and I torture myself when this brain starts liking the contradicting line of thought I just gave it. I make my own chains, I put myself at the two ends of this “logical” rope and play tug of war with it and then I make this heart cry out with this pull from the two ends that I suffer and I make it yearn for these contradicting forces to stop which I had forced this brain to come up with in the first place.


What am I?


What?


Caught between an intense emotional situation like death (http://achingpen.blogspot.com/2007/07/ode-to-death.html) or a heartbreak (http://achingpen.blogspot.com/2007/10/welcome-to-end.html) or an innocent desire (http://achingpen.blogspot.com/2007/08/angel.html) or a betrayal (http://achingpen.blogspot.com/2007/09/dance.html) or simple pure exhaustion (http://achingpen.blogspot.com/2007/09/weird-song-for-gym.html)I feel and I think. I react and yet I am detached. I stay in the situation playing around me in this world bound by the metaphysical laws defined by the equations of mathematics and theorems of physics and yet I float above the room in the hollow emptiness and watch the same situation passively from a distance impervious to all the emotional drama that is folding all around me. I then make this heart yearn to escape this multitude of sentiments pouring all around me and I command this brain to come up with an escape route. Then when this brain reminds me of the brilliant yet impossible conclusions of quantum mechanics I often find a black hole and use its gravitational field to tear across this universe and reach into another one which is a part of this multiverse to make myself content. Failing the availability of a black hole or a shooting start I simply pulverize myself and drift across the quantum foam present all around me to again reach another parallel universe. Yet I feel the tentacles of the same emotional drama reach me and lick me and burn me and what more, now that I have crossed the boundaries of my immediate universe and have escaped to one of the “n” possible universes I feel the simultaneous torture of all the possible emotional situations in all the possible infinite universes all together in all of my possible hearts in all of my possible bodies in all these universes and I burn in infinite infernos all at once. I am in this universe and that and another one all at once and I am caught in a whirlpool, a frenzied torrents of all possible sentiments which these muscular hearts are capable of realizing and I suffer them all at once.


Where am I?


Where?


I came into this universe as a byproduct of human love and in some other universes as a byproduct of pure simple lust. I was caught from that “place of eternal peace” known as the moksha or the pearly gates or jannat and was bound in this body and the others and was sentenced to spend some human years on this planet and all others. I was given an option called death to escape the cycle of time and a multitude of means to realize it but simultaneously I was bound by the magical ties called relations and was stripped of my ability to exercise a willing escape. I know not who am I know not I what am I and I know not where I am but I know for sure I am what I am and I shall never be what this heart desires.


I shall never be what my heart desires.

9 Comments:

  1. annie said...
    Hmmm...i guess i'll have to read this a few more times to understand your state of mind and say anytin then.Tcare buddy!!
    John F said...
    I guess I would have to do the same myself! I was floating up in the room when I wrote this. I blame Stella for this!
    Vixious said...
    John,
    I have no words of wisdom. I would only suggest that you first need to figure out who you are and then decide what you need to accomplish to get where you want to be. I would also recommend no soul searching while drunk. LOL Never a good combination. I am surprised by the alone, but not the lonely. I might blame that on the alcohol, too.
    Experience has taught me, however, that it's important to know who you are before you can have a good relationship with anyone. If not, you just tend to let the other person's needs and desires define who you are. That works in all areas of life.
    Feel free to mock me now :)
    morinn said...
    I think we all feel like that at a moment in time, who i am, what's my purpose here? but then it's great to be accomplishing something here. ;)
    John F said...
    Bev, thank you for your words. I do not intend to mock you whatsoever but the entire point of my musings was to define what am i. I am not my head, not my heart. What am I? A set of electrical pulses shooting through neurons forcing these senses to do their work and in turn getting the feedback of this world around me?
    But I agree with you on the other person's need part. You are bang on target there!

    Morinn! So long since you visited me here! I am so glad you dropped by, must be a lucky day for me or something! You are right as well, we all have those moments but this time it was simply booze talking!
    Mirage said...
    Questioning thy existence...ah that game's fun, but only for a little while.

    Do enlighten me if you're able to find the answers. For the time being let's just agree with what you said in the beginning: You're drunk.

    :)
    John F said...
    LOL Mirage! Like a annoyed feline she snaps with her paws when mocked! :D

    Yes I was/am drunk but the intent was not to question my "existence". I exist and that is given. The question was more on what/who I am. What defines my being a human? When I can talk of my brain and heart as seperate entities and I can analyze them as if from out of the box perspective then what am I!
    Pixie said...
    hey.

    ive been a regular visitor to your blog. i think you have a wonderful flair for writing! :) a bunch of us have begun this venture, both indians and pakistanis, at www.exnihilo.wordpress.com
    we wanted to start an ezine which todays youth can contribute to and which we all could be proud of in time and i think you would be a wonderful addition to our contributors. do visit the site, its not much yet but i think we've had a great start. do reply back to me asap at demesne@gmail.com with any questions or thoughts

    :) looking forward to hearing from you

    Demesne
    www.reflectiveintrospection.blogspot.com
    Pixie said...
    oops! wrong link!
    this is the link

    exnihilomagazine.wordpress.com

    looking forward to hearing from you:)

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