Friday, 20 July 2007

I went to a funeral today. As it stands I am in London right now and I have some relatives who have been based here for almost an eternity. And a human being being a social animal that he is, they obviously made acquaintances with people living around them or with those who had chosen to migrate to UK almost at the same time as they did.

One of such acquaintances of theirs was blessed with a very lovely charming intelligent and a beautiful daughter.

She was 24.
She was a meritorious students studying in one of the top notch universities of UK.
She had numerous scholarships and certificates to her name.
Her family is one of the richest in UK and most influential back home in India.
She committed suicide last week.
I never met her or knew her.
I was moved beyond my deepest emotions.

We lost our way to the crematorium and reached 5 minutes late. The service had started and the hall was packed. With many others we stood outside the hall in the chilly wind listening to all the family members paying their tributes to her. I could not see anything. I was there, standing outside the hall in a wind which was blowing with such an intensity that it might as well would have carried me with itself and with such a chill that I wished if it does indeed carry me somewhere it please be the fires of hell so that I not only get to warm myself but also reach my final destination and finally escape these dreaded talons of this life.

But no I am not that fortunate, am I? Had I been fortunate to get what I wish for, would have I ever wished to escape this vicious circle of life!

No it did not happen. No matter as much as I wished, yet I was there standing outside all the while listening to a voice booming over my head from a speaker. Wondering just why did I agree to come to this funeral in the first place when I don’t know anyone, when I have no relations with the deceased and her family other than that of humanity which as I have learned to understand the hard way does not really matter in this world and when I have long since lost my capacity to be touched by emotions such as grief.

And then she started speaking. I didn’t know who she was, perhaps her mother, or her aunt or maybe some grieved friend. I did not know then nor do I know now. But she started speaking and I was glued to where I stood. She started narrating a small poem she had written and suddenly I was washed with waves and waves of ice cold realizations which crashed over me with such fervor that the wind suddenly felt as burning ciders on my skin and just one question suddenly sprang up in my brain and spread its tentacles through my neural system with such rapidity that before I could have even realized its presence sweeping through my conscience, there it was flowing along with my blood all through my body and having already proclaimed and proven its dominance over my capacities to rationalize it was now trying to puncture that invisible barrier which separates my mortal self from my soul all the while screaming just one thing

“So what matters then in the end?”

I have been trying hard, very hard that I do not have to leave London now. I have been trying harder to clinch a job in the United States of America. I have been trying desperately that I do not have to go back to India or face my mortifying endless repeated act which us the denizens of this planet have coined job. I have gone from pillar to post to make sure I am always in touch with the “right” people, eating and drinking in the right places and made contact with the right authorities as much as I possibly can.

Would it matter to me in the end where I am burnt, dust to dust and ashes to ashes? Would I care if my car got its proper parking space or that my employer was not racist or my green card application was accepted or what my peer think of me whether I look good or am I looking to thin or am I looking too fat or whether the “right” people are attending my last journey or whether it is being organized at the right venue with kosher food and vintage wine and am dressed immaculately and I do not have stubs on my face and my hair is not messy and have they selected the best of my photographs to place along my body and is everyone seated properly and and and…….?

Would anything matter to me when I finally sleep?

Why then am I living my life too hard? Why am I always trying to be an edge apart and a step above those around me? Why do I hate some and love none? If nothing has to come to me in the end, nothing can give me all these comforts which I so desire now when I shall so need them the most why do I strive to possess it? Why then am I living now when I have to die tomorrow!? What is the purpose, the aim the final destination of my life?

My death?

That is? My life ends? Why then try so hard! Why study or work or amass wealth or love some when at the end I am going to be all alone, just me myself and I, stripped of all that I earned owned possessed and isolated of all whom I loved? Why why and why! I do not understand this. Maybe I am not supposed to, maybe I am just supposed to try my best shot at this life and take things as they come to me. But then if I am to do just that I do not understand what shall make me different from my vacuum cleaner or my TV or my car all of which can neither think or ask or analyze. All of them just do for what they are built. They have no power whatsoever to modify what is to be made of them or what is to finally become of them. My car can do little if I push it of a cliff and destroy it. My TV can not ask me why do I change channels rapidly but can only do what I wish for it to do.

Am I not like them then?

Or maybe I am worse, for all such things as cars and TVs have a purpose for which they are built. What purpose was I created for? Is there any or am I just simply a byproduct of human love? Am I worse than even the most minutest piece of machinery?

No I am not and I know that. The reason, the one thing that distinguishes me from a mechanized motorized pile of steel is my power to think and feel. And then again therein lies the cause of my misery. Why do I have this power to question the Lord when I am deprived of the ability to make him answer me! Why do I feel joy and pain when I am nothing but a puppet on this vast stage who can do little if his creator chose to end his part and pull his string?

She went on and on. Her pain was beginning to pierce me, seeping through these pores on my skin and slowly gradually mixing with my blood as if my own. I knew not why was I moved, I knew not what connection if any existed and I knew not what could I do to make her stop. Her narrations spoke of time well spent a life well lived and a death well embraced. Oh yes she was asking questions too. With her lament and her cries she was asking Lord again and again why did He have to make this 24 year old beautiful talented girl kill herself. And as He does to me, he chose not to answer her no matter her wails and sobs. The Church was quiet, the crowd was quiet and He was quiet.

Finally she stopped. Of sheer exhaustion or emotion I do not know. But yes she felt quiet. For a long time no one spoke no one breathed. We all stood quiet, very quiet. All waiting for Him to finally speak and sooth His bereaved, destroyed, devastated daughter.

He was silent still.And then there was music. Ustaad Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan’s remarkable voice seemed as if a glass made of fine china had been delicately shattered. He sang and sang and sang. People started moving, everyone as if cajoled from a deep trance. A line began to form. We moved with the crowd of humanity which somehow now seemed more united and connected. Everyone was moving with just one aim, to hug her parents and cry and light a small little candle where she would finally be laid to rest.

And I who is ever unable to shed a tear could not do even that. I just carried my dead self back to the car heaved my body onto the seat and came back much like a dead body riding in a coffin only that my journey has not yet ended.

Rest in Peace Meeto. I was not fortunate enough to know you but I feel as if we never have been strangers. One day I will cry, and I will cry for you then. Till such time I am your guilty, forgive me.


  1. jollyjo said...
    A very sad, but well written first post. Trust you will be back...with much happier ones though!
    HollyGL said...
    Having been touched by the suicide of a loved one more than once, actually and sadly, I don't think there is anything anyone can say - even God.

    It was good of you to pay your respects to her. Its a testament to your capacity for compassion. Whether you realize it or not, it is obviously vast.
    raving lunatic said...
    Thanks holly, thank you jolly jo.

    Yes probably my capacity for compassion is vast and so is my capacity to love. But then Holly so is my capacity to feel pain and get hurt. My insane heart has to exponentially increase my love for someone and so it increases the hurt that I feel.

    Do I want this...probably not
    Would I keep this....yes

    Am I insane.....why dont you tell me
    morinn said...
    wow, that was incredibly well-written. i was mesmerized by your writing!

    can i quote you sometimes in my blog? :)
    raving lunatic said...
    Morinn I would be honored if you quote me in your blog. Please do feel free to do that!

    Include a link to my blog though when you quote me please :-P
    adavait said...
    hello friend
    i dont know what to say . on second thoughts i feel are you... writing all tese things only for effect ,if it is so than you should come out of it cause these are all passing effects as u see so u think as u think so u act as u act so u reap . so its all in ones thinking.
    in the hindu philosophy there is a sentence of emmence importance.
    karmaney wadikaraste maphaleshu you do your acts dont think of the result cause the result or the act it self has no control over u nor u have any control over the act.
    may u have the serenity to accept this fact of life then the rest is easy..
    anyways...visit adavait at bblogging to fame or
    Anonymous said...
    I can only wonder why. Suicide is very mysterious. I tried it at age l2. I met a guy early, my mother said we were too young. I caught myself trying to be up with my peers, pleasing everybody....
    except myself. Even the bible says it's more blessed to give than to receive. Give, it says to those less than yourself, think of others that are not better than yourself. We are preached to put each other better than ourselves, compliments, feelings, looks.
    What qualities can we gain from Adam? He was told even he wasn't good enough alone! Ha! There. We quote that verse when we are lonely, no place do we quote aloneness more than from what we relate to Adam. But if we get to be labled co-dependent, oh baby....look out! ! ! One piece of info for the younger females, teens.... never wait to learn that one thing.....YOU'RE SPECIAL and WONDERFUL....AND PERFECT WITHOUT A MAN> Praise! God! Always!
    Men will drain the life out of you.
    John F said...
    Thanks for visiting my blog Anonymous however girl not all fingers are the same size and you seriously need to work on your comprehensions. Go beyond what Bible says and look at what it "means".
    Jim said...
    I linked this post
    hope it is OK with u
    Solitaire said...
    This is a very sad post but a very meaningful one as well. The question of existentialism is one that visits every human mind at some point of time. Meaninglessness is a common experience especially in the face of death. I hope that you are dealing with this better today. And even if you are not, that's ok.

    Thank you for stopping by with your valuable comments and blogrolling me.
    John F said...
    Jim, thank you for the link to this post. I stopped by your blog and have blogrolled you now. Expect more of my viscious stinging comments on your blog this day on!

    Solitarire, thanks for stopping by. I have always been a very headstrong person when it comes to my expectations from my ownself. This particular death I was over with the next very day I reckon. Or at least I made myself beleive I am over it. Either way, it worked.
    André Canas said...
    Even though this post is roughly 1 & 1/2 years old i felt it deserved a comment. Great writing, left a bit of an impression on me. And since i am a 24 year old (about to finish) college student from Portugal, i could relate to Meeto and to alot of what you said about the constant struggle to achieve expectations and fufillement. I really have to congratulate you for writing what you feel in such an open and honest way. I'd wish more of us were like that.

    All the best, André.
    Thespian said...
    An ode to death it is!

    It's funny that we all know we're going to die, yet we go numb when some1 close to us passes away. I guess it's just a different thing to know, and to feel. Maybe He wanted us humans to know our fate, and still live on, unlike other living creatures who are forced to spend their lives in ignorance.

    I'm beginning to wonder if God's a sadist.

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