Tuesday, 24 July 2007

Words

If words had any power, I’d be the king of this world.

Words. Beautiful ugly distorted perfect words. Words – all I have are these words. These words which I use to convey what I feel, to draw an image in the air of the objects floating in my brain and as if by sheer magic transpose that image into your mind, often without even speaking.

Words, which I am in love with. Words which I use as my rescue and my weapon. Words which I hurl at my opponents as spears and words which I use to rapidly conjure a thick shield impenetrable by all with such subtlety and suddenness that somehow still amazes even me. Words that I use to charm my way out of situations. Words that I use to create temptations arouse a mortal’s most hidden and primitive desires and make him obey me. Words that I use to manipulate, maneuver, connive and convince. Words with which my association goes back as far as I can think of. Often incomprehensible in one language, say the language I spoke when I was one or two years of age, yet words nonetheless perfectly understandable to those who understand the language I chose given a particular moment in this dynamics of space and time.

Words which always stay with me ready to launch themselves from the tip of my tongue and fingers at my slightest provocation, which I can always rely on to come to my aid and yet, which always helplessly, hopelessly fail me when I need them the most.

When I try to describe the magic, the power those eyes have over me. When I try to compare her elegance with that of a flowing river and her poise her stature to that of a wisp of smoke delicately yet firmly positioning itself in the thin air, when I try and equate her laughter to the sounds of humming wind and when I try and compare the silent noise her tears make to that of a delicate bone china glass being shattered. When I try and conjure up a perfect world where she will be the queen and I shall be her most desired and humble servant, the object of her desire, her playmate, her dark secret life. Someone she would look straight into the eyes when the king is holding his court and mouth a wordless “I love you”. When I try and impress unto her how much her presence mean in my life. When I want to with all my earnestness minus any of my conniving make her understand how much she has become a part of me. When I reminisce about those glorious days spent in her arms and those moments of intense passion I spent looking down at her sweating face as we moved again and again together composing a perfect harmony taking it to its crescendo using our bodies as Lord’s gifted musical instruments.

When I call her name in the darkness and the fear that invokes in my heart thumping with its every beat that I shall never see her again. When I crave for her, long for her. When I try and tell her how much I love her, want her, need her and beg her not to go. When I try and scream at God for putting me in these predicaments, for causing me this pain. When I try and make myself believe she is not gone but simply hiding her somewhere in these dark shadows encouraging me to find her, prolonging my desire so that when I finally catch her I shall be a thirsty mad man and she will be the river that will quench my thirst satisfying my temptations. Words when I curse my fortune, my life, my existence. Words when I try to find them in these waves of destiny on my palms and forehead. Words which I want to use to express my loss, my pain, my grief, my need, my desire. Which I want to use to fill this void she created deep within me when she left.

Words, how I hate them and love them. How I use them with such ease and yet often find myself at a total loss on how to summon them.

Words. Nothing but a mere permutation of some dark spots of ink placed comfortably together or some modular variations in the wavelengths of this air all around us. No complications like quantum mechanics, thoughts of a philosopher, equations of Einstein, just simple plain words.

28 Comments:

  1. The Angry Barcode said...
    Your writing is uncomfortable and makes my heart feel like it's being digested by powerful stomach acid and being passed through the bowels of saints. It's hard to read your writing without feeling like I'm under water. I feel like my lungs are burning, but I can't escape the feeling that I need to keep myself submerged. To actually experience and crave drowning in language... What a beautiful, but frightening gift.
    raving lunatic said...
    Thank you for your kind words. Yes the feeling is what you so aptly described but then there are more depths to it. I shall try and describe in my next post, the temptation, the trust, the heart, the longing, the hope and the doom
    HollyGL said...
    Well, I'm not feeling especially articulate this early in the morning. But, I will say that I envy "her". Beautiful post.
    raving lunatic said...
    "her" is just a figment of my imagination...yes she is nothing but a wisp of smoke which vanished as soon as i looked away
    Yours Truly said...
    man you stumped me..

    nothing comes to my mind now.. i am numb

    i need my coffee!!
    sfgirl said...
    Beautifully written, John. Your prose flows like poetry. You use powerful imagery and metaphor in a fluid dance of motion. It reads like stream of conscious, dreamlike yet vivid and achingly real. I liked the response of "the angry barcode". You have a wonderful talent. Keep writing! You should publish some of this.
    raving lunatic said...
    YT, thanks for your kind words. Hope you did get your coffee. In fact on a second thought if you are planning to come back to this blog, get a bigger vat!

    SFGirl...Few people can appreciate others with this honesty. Thanks a lot for your comments. I like ABC's comment to. In fact she had left me a message on my blogcatalog profile which is the best anyone has ever ever said about me. I wish I could find words enough to express my gratitude towards you and her!
    Vixious said...
    John, I know you wrote this several days ago, but I couldn't resist the title and so I read. I am commenting - the post demands praise and I am powerless to resist. I do, however, admit to hoping you do not uncover my comments until much later in life. :) Your writing is evocative of some of the great writers in our world. Your words are clear and concise and packed with meaning which goes far beyond the mere arrangement of letters and punctuation. Your language and imagery is breathtaking and hopeful.

    No, I won't explain that last word. Somethings you just have to accept without explanation. :)
    raving lunatic said...
    Bev, sorry but I uncovered your comments yesterday and here I am replying today! Thank you very much for the beautiful words. Sometimes I wonder you are indeed far too kind with your words and if I truly deserve them. Yes I agree with you that somethings can not be explained and are best understood on their own.

    I wonder when would some publisher stumble across these pages and would make me an offer to publish this! :-)

    Being hopeful now, aren't I !
    Vixious said...
    LOL John, while I will admit that I do on occasion encourage and flatter, I will also admit I felt not great desire to flatter or encourage you yesterday. I was being very honest - your talent demanded praise.

    I like hope... it's very hopeful. :) Try putting some things new pieces together and submitting them to some Internet magazines or venues for which they would be appropriate. I think blogging makes work a little too free, therefore, true talent gets ignored. If you put your material somewhere more apparent to the audience you're looking for, I believe it would be beneficial for you. If you want to be published, then you should move forward and stop waiting for lightning to strike. Or maybe it just did :)

    I can research you some appropriate submission sites if you need me to :)
    raving lunatic said...
    Bev now I am beginning to feel you are having a laugh at my expense and for some odd insane reason I don't really mind as long as you keep coming back to my pages!

    And I would absolutely fall for you if you could find out some submission sites for me. Yes I am very very very lazy and as much ashamed as I might feel accepting this, hey! atleast I accepted it!

    :-D
    Vixious said...
    Done, though I may stumble upon some more for your attention soon, John. I just advise you to read through their submission guidelines individually since no two venues is ever the same. :) Just show them the same thing you show us - your gift with words. It's quite skilled. Let me know if I can be of any additional help and I'm praying for your success. :)
    raving lunatic said...
    Bev all I now need from you is your prayers. Somehow I am sure He listens to His true children like yourself. I so wish I could be so dedicated in my religion as you are in yours. I am not an atheist Bev, but I am not into idol worship too. I guess I am too lazy to pray, but then if the Almighty is my God I shouldn't have to pray or show him my respect since he would already know what I want and how much I respect Him, right?

    PS: I re'r I said something about falling for you if you did that for me ;)
    Vixious said...
    LOL I assure you, John, I am no paragon of virtue. I just have a very strong faith. As for your comments on prayer - even if you know someone loves you, isn't it still important to you to hear it? Isn't it still important to say it? I would say yes.

    PS: I would never hold you to that ;) LOL
    raving lunatic said...
    Ahh...and I thought we were being hopeful there ;)

    As for letting someone know we love them, as a human sure! but as a God...well how would I know :D
    Vixious said...
    LOL If you were being hopeful over the idea of me being a paragon of virtue, you are just destined for disappointment :D As for being God, it's funny how we assume that greatness defies the need for love. I would think exactly the opposite would be true.
    raving lunatic said...
    I might be destined for dissappointment Bev but you know what, I have always believed in taking chances and making my own opinions and I shall do the same this time too! :-)

    And greatness might need the expressions of love and respect and gratitude but as I said, how would I know about the Godliness and the Holiness...

    Anyways I pray too you know :-)
    Vixious said...
    I'm not surprised, John. I'm not really surprised. :) But my prayers are still with you.
    annie said...
    Beautifully expressed..you got the Power with Words!!
    indicaspecies said...
    With these words you have conveyed so many images. Your words have powerful influence and I know they come straight from your heart. Keep writing. :)
    Krystal said...
    Having read a couple of your posts..I must say you have a fabulous way with your words. You should seriously consider writing a book. Cheers!
    John F said...
    Thanks very much Krystal. I am all up for writing a book, but the problem is to find someone who would consider publishing my psychobabble :D
    Krystal said...
    If I were a publisher I would have definitely done it. So maybe you should just ahead with the writing..I'm sure there will be someone to take care of whatever comes ahead of that.

    More so bcoz this is probably one of the things you can do which "your heart desires" without letting any of the "strings" entangle you? :)
    John F said...
    Thanks for the kind words of encouragement Krystal.

    Yes you are right but this heart desires so much more than just satisfaction!

    But neways, these days I feel as if I have lost it. Trying to beat my soul to fit the moulds of normalcy as defined by us humans I think I have bled all my creativity in the macabre process.

    My mind simply fails to conjure images and when sometimes it does, my words fail me :(
    Krystal said...
    I know where you are coming from. I think a lot of us go through this. Getting tired of fighting the world and its ways and losing themselves in the process. But there always comes a time when you have to gather yourself and move on..bcoz there is no escape to life. You wish the escape button existed..but no it does not.

    I just feel you have a spark, a charm in your writing. And you shouldnt let it go to waste. Think about it.
    John F said...
    Hey Krystal!
    Thanks a lot for so persistently kicking my lazy bum :-) I really really do appreciate your effort.

    I really do wish to write a book but the real problem is that I cant write for the heck of it. With me it mostly is an image that would flash in my head. My brain would immediately pounce on it and would activate the neurons that start chopping that image in various words and start relaying those words down my arms though my veins. I then simply sit back and let my fingers lose on the keyboard. They do their tap dance and voila! a post is born!

    I would definitely try and write a book though. Any suggestions? :D

    BTW why this anonymity? Just a name and no trail?
    Krystal said...
    I'm happy my persistence has made your tone into a more optimistic one :) Perhaps if I continue with the pestering those images you need will start popping up on their own in your mind!

    Lol! I don't have a blog of my own so don't really get the point of creating an account here.. explains the no name no trail eh.
    John F said...
    Hey Krystal good to see you back!
    To be honest with you I have become a more optimistic person off late. And to confess most of my posts were written over a course of last 3 years or so. I only decided to publish them now.

    The recent ones that I have wrote in the last 5-6 months are all kinda funny. They are the Bangalore ones or my experiences with blogger templates etc.

    But please by all means do stay and nudge all that you can, I do need my images back!

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