Thursday, 11 October 2007

This one that I am going to share with you now is something which I wrote around 5 years back. Grab a cuppa or a single malt scotch if you wish because this one is long and would make your brain cells tingle. Besides you might not want to read this in one go. Take your time as this one would also probably be last for atleast couple weeks. When I have landed safely in Bangalore and am merrilly drunk enough someday I shall write more.

So then - Welcome to the End!

Something bellows in my ears sending tremors down my spine shaking my existence as I discover where I have been lured to. And as these waves of realizations crash over me again and again hammering against my ever so weakening resistance there is just so much that is boiling within my subdued conscience which is slowly but firmly rising to the surface as if hoping to evanesce from the pores on my skin and it makes me want to scream and shout and ask you - Now what!? And no I do not expect an answer or an explanation of any kind my love, just the courtesy that you hear me out till the end - the end of my existence. And with this hope that you are here somewhere just out of the reach of my mortal vision for I can still sense your presence lingering in my senses I shall pour it all out.

I am at the Point of No Return. I am left with no choices and though it is a bliss for me to not have myself being subjected to the strenuous thought process of separating the right from the wrong forcing myself to make some choice which is more morally correct than letting my humble heart gladly chase the more pleasing ones still, for some insane reason unknown to even myself I long to be given an option - an option to go back in time and undo everything. But since that is something which will not happen I shall stick to my present precarious standing and go on with my insane blabber.

I have been in love and madly. For though am sure I was blindfolded for I could not see anything but your innocent image seducing my eyes I distinctively remember following the hypnotizing sound of your voice asking me to come and get you and that I am almost there that you are just in reach and oh how I remember that giggling "no am not here baby come find me" I do not recall seeing anything else. And now as the music of your voice has come to an end and I remove this blindfold I find myself standing at the edge of reason beyond which is a steep fall to eternity that will swiftly carry me to nothingness. There is no way back the ground beneath my feet is trembling and I know I would have to make the jump sooner rather than later. And though nothing matters at this point the terms difficult and pain having both lost their meanings still my mortal self with all its weaknesses that a human inherits from his essence of flesh shuddered when I looked into this nothingness for it is not empty my love.

No it is not. Now that I have edged closer preparing myself to take that last step that shall end it all I see that this space beyond my existence and my exoneration is filled with infernos. Fires of hell are rising from somewhere deep below and are rapidly spreading their ghastly tentacles up to where I stand. I can feel the heat intensifying with every passing second and with it I see the shameless dance of these flames being executed with a perfect symphony, the music of death. I see shapes being formed in these fires, daemons of all kind and nature emerging from within its core taking their shapes from the worst of my fears from what now feels like an earlier life. But yes o my lurer I see them all - reptiles, dragons, sphinx all kinds of beasts and flesh eaters and it is a pandemonium down there a frenzy of activity a celebration for I can see that they are waiting for their next feed - me. Me!?

And as for me, I have no apprehensions of any sorts trailing on my steps and I would have gladly jumped in if, yes love I would have jumped in if and only if I was sure that this would be the end of the story. That I will jump in and these daemons from hell would all pounce on me and I will have the ecstasy of watching the barriers of my skin and flesh being ripped apart by their deep claws digging into my conscience, that the process of my ethnic cleansing shall begin and for the first ritual I shall be made to bathe in my own blood whose fury shall be used to pulverize the layers of my sins. And then when my blood has been made black enough these denizens of dark realms shall smother their faces with it while chewing on my flesh and then slowly as all veils are torn frontiers jumped and barriers breached and as my soul stands naked with nothing to hide these worshippers of Satan shall take me away to dissolve my essence into their black world.

No I would not have had any problems.

But I know that this can not be allowed to happen for I know that I have to give in, jump into this black pit and yet survive, that I have to fight till my last breadth that no matter how dark my blood is made I still have to save my soul, for darling I have duties still to fulfill, jobs to finish and people to live for. No matter how much I hate to but alas I have to survive. And so it is at this moment o my puppeteer that for the last time I want to ask you that which is burning within my sanity right now. Yes I have to I just need to even though I know you would not be able to take out this raging fire within me.

Why! Why did this have to happen!? What went wrong and where!? I know am not good but was I that bad!? I still fail to comprehend the entire sequence of events that lead me to this end of life. I remember the time when you had come to me had “begged” me to believe in you to let you be a part of my life and I remember despite the voices screaming in my head and those rock solid icebergs of insecurities crashing against the walls of my heart that decision of mine to let you in my life once. Yes I do remember all that, I do. And lo! Suddenly there is music in the air and wherever I turn I see flowers blossoming and the raging wind of hell turning into a zephyr and Almighty’s whole creation turning beautiful again, beautiful as the face of a new born and equally innocent. And my stiff nerves begin to relax, my eyes which were ever so wide open and staring aghast all around me forever watchful of any danger or misfortune that might be lurking in the dark corners and might just pounce on me lest I should look away taking me down, the same eyes begin drooping for it has been a long time since I slept. My insecurities melting away in the radiance of your smile just as what the warm sunshine does to the aftermaths of a violent night’s storm and I finally give in.

Yes my love I give in to the warmth of your smile the passion in your eyes and the surety of your touch. I surrender and rest my head in your lap for I know no matter if the face of our past is ghastly and ugly with chunks of fleshes removed and dark unexplained voids left in places but now that you are here with me loving me caring for me and truly mine I know that the future is going to be nothing less than the beautiful smile of Mona Lisa and this time my love we shall be the artists.

With these assurances and your love filling everywhere in my heart I let myself totally for you. And I watch you play those “oh so cute” games and I feel such pride in being the beau of the most desired wanted divine angel on this earth who by a flick of her hand a blink of her eye or even the color of her blush can fill this aura with the most natural, pure, raw and yet ripe emotion – Love! And I don’t have words to thank the heavens above or the faith to believe my destiny enough but oh I so blindly do for I know somehow don’t ask me how but I just know that this for the first time is true and is happening to me for I can feel it rising and maturing in every pour on my body. I sense it traveling down my spine and I can hear the music in my senses. I can see your aroma hear the beautiful color of your skin and visualize the music of your voice. And then I feel your hand on mine your body closing in and I know it is time. Yes my love I know your gestures and I want you to know that I desire you too and I am longing to feel those extremities of love when it reaches its crescendo where the three universes of human existence –emotional physical and spiritual collide and are merged and take the shape of something which can only be felt and not realized by any of our human senses. Yes my love I long to complete this triad this trinity. I take you in my arms and so we begin to compose the music together where the only instruments are us – our bodies. And now oh now I see you closing in and I feel you and realize your presence filling my senses shutting out whatever other human realizations I might have and oh now you ask me if you’d let you blindfold me and I who knows not the meaning of this word “no” when it comes to you can do little more than say “anything you desire my love, anything you want”. And you do it. All I can hear now is your giggling and chuckling and your voice asking me to come and get you and this stupid me keeps following it like someone charmed by a skilled master and I all I can do is to keep walking. And now that I can no longer hear that voice and as I remove this blindfold I find myself in this predicament.

Why did you do this love, why! I never asked you to love me to be with me, yes I wanted to but I never ever in my living conscience asked you to show me this beautiful world and the magic and charm of it that is so capable of enchanting anyone for I always feared craving for it when it is eventually taken away just as in this moment I am! And trust me if I can only get the answer to this raging humiliating “why” burning within me then these infernos I am to jump in shall be nothing more than a dip in the pleasant waters of river Ganges for they eventually would cleanse me of my sins but yes for this fear of uncertainty I face right now all these whys and why nots this is worse than anything I might have to face as I make this eternal fall.
This is why I want you to throw these answers at me. Oh please understand it this way if you must that I “want” to jump but I can not, something is holding my feet firmly below so please please please oh my love hit me with these answers throw them at me make me lose my balance make me complete this fall and for once in my entire life – make me certain of something!!
Still all I hear is silence.

I never expected an answer though I must admit that I hoped for one. And then again what is the meaning of our existence if not hope. It is hope that carries us forward, hope that springs within our hearts, hope that makes us go around and sometimes round and round in circles. Oh! What a time to realize all this when the dusk of this doomsday is just about to fall and I am about to release myself to satisfy the yearnings of these poor creatures, what a glorifying moment. And then perhaps this is the apt time. Had it been some other epoch of my more humane life I probably might have refused to recognize the truth and debated against the supremacy of love in this world. Though even now I admit that I haven’t the slightest ideas of what is love. Can you tell me what is love ? Is love conquering? That you see someone walking away from you and you suddenly realize that you just have to stop him and so like a beleaguered soul you rush after his fading silhouette drop down on your knees and keep on speaking beautiful words and make him realize he is the core of your existence. And then finally when he is convinced and you see some more tears falling in front of you along with your own and you raise your face to look each other in the eyes and read desires and wishes and longings and dreams and you rise and take each other in your arms, you as if suddenly jolted by the touch of his hands wake up from some kind of a deep slumber and suddenly break away from the embrace. “Oh! Am sorry you are not the one I want. I already have you. Look that’s the one I want, the one you can see is walking away. I have to get to him stop him before it is too late! Oh I am so sorry…”

Is this love?

Or probably not. This is not love, how can it be!? Probably love is like a child and a candy. A child loves his candy and is annoyed that he doesn’t get enough of it. Then one day by a fine stroke of luck he is granted his eternal wish. He can have as much candy as he wants and he is overjoyed. He rushes into the piles and piles of his favorite candy filling his hands, mouth pockets. But eventually he is bored and feels repulsed even by the thought of the same thing of which he could not get enough until the moment he was given enough!
No I think I am wrong again. Forgive me as it is a trifle hard to think clearly with all this smoke clogging my senses and the fire burning my skin and this trench of charring flesh making me a little dizzy.

What is love!? A philosophy, a wisdom, a poet’s words, a composers music, an athlete’s dedication, a pupil’s pursuit, a monk’s power of will, a greed’s lust or a smile that dances on your lips when you see someone or a thought that crosses your mind when you sit by your window at dusk and see the birds returning to their nests on the backdrop of a cherise azure and a sleepy tired sun? Or is it the desire you get when you lie down alone at night and see the stars twinkling right through your roof as if it was never there and feel the moon reaching its glorious youth. Or is love a trap where sentimental emotional fools like yours truly get trapped!? I apologize for the insanity of all these questions and for getting onto your nerves sweetheart for heavens know that I shall not in the least of my waking conscience would do anything to cause you grief but for where I stand I assume I can be given the liberty to hold you in my thoughts and shake you violently and say “wake up!! Look what you have done!” and it shall not be a complaint. No it is not a complaint but a breaking sense of realization that I possessed now and that which I want you to hold when I am gone.

And this brings me to the real reason of all this gibberish maundering I lofted in this thick smoke clogged air. I want you to know and realize what it is that you have done. Not just the pain you caused me baby but the trust that you broke.

And now what? The questions? Oh I let them go. For thinking about all that as I stand here my eyesight is sure getting blurred but my vision is becoming clearer. To put it rudely “Come on now ! what the heck you need the recipes for! If the damned food is good go ahead and savor it!” What good would the answers do to me my love? Pacify me! Well for someone whose soul would be ripped apart just moments from now I reckon there would be just so much good that quenching my ever ending thirst would do to me. So I let them go- the questions and the answers.

At the end of it I want you to know that I do not blame you for anything, anything at all. Or okay I take the liberty of having an upper hand and say “I exonerate you”. For maybe I know not what love is and the rules or the absence of them which govern the behavior of those in love with each other and I reckon it better to leave the job of finding these answers to you and the better people of God, I am absolutely sure of one thing – that I have loved you and there shall never be anybody else.

Take care

Monday, 1 October 2007

The other day my machine in the office broke down. While I was sitting twiddling my thumbs waiting for my machine to be fixed my hands accidentally touched a pen. And what do you know the pen was lying idly on a piece of blank paper too! Out of curiosity on how it would feel to touch a real pen for once I picked it up and tried to balance its nib on the paper. No sooner had I managed to accomplish this might feat the pen slipped through my fingers and this is what came out


the first word that which comes to my mind right now. So used to dancing on the keyboard, my fingers are finding it terribly awkward having to balance the precarious tip of this pen over this piece of paper and channel the smooth flow of ink into these precise shapes and curves which might begin to mean something to a mildly literate human.


Awkward that this seemingly common practice of writing should bring back such a torrent of memories and emotions which I never knew I had. Awkward for this sudden revelation should make me feel like a boy who suddenly stumbled upon a hidden treasure and is now simultaneously exhilarated by the find and worried on how best to hide it from his mates and cherish it all on his own.

Awkward for I shall be made to realize how dependent I have become on the online spell checkers and what a way to realize how terrible I am now with my spellings. And awkward on how shall I pen down these seemingly endless flow of events, memories, emotions and that these thoughts which should be unleashed with every drop of ink my pen should smear on this page again and again and should wash over me with such torrent that I simply can not decide whether to put a cap on it (literally!) or to just let myself be washed over by them, allowing them to carry me legions back in these newly discovered memories where I was still an innocent child carefree without any botheration and without the capabilities to understand human psyche or what is right and what is wrong but only aware of what I suddenly want to do at any instant and then simply go ahead and do it without pausing to think the entire possible permutations and combinations of the event stack that which might occur in the wake of my simplest of actions like picking up a pen and writing.

Really awkward.

However probably what makes me feel most awkward is that fact that at the end of the day I would fire up my machine load up my trusted word processor and spell checker and type it all out losing again this newly discovered innocence of struck out links incorrect punctuation marks asymmetrical hieroglyphic curves and wrong spellings. Should I stop then? Cease this relentless flow of ink which shall lost its importance soon as my machine is back online and stop scarring the spotless beauty of this white paper? Or should I simply go on let myself slide on this joy ride as I know that innocent boy would have done without bothering to check whether the landing at the base of the ride is of soft sand or hard cemented floor and would simply not have bothered about the inevitable which I predicted would happen?

At this time my machine was back and I decided to keep this unfinished…..


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