Monday, 10 September 2007

Kicked off my shoes, stretched my body to the max, gave out a huge big dirty yawn and closed my eyes. Feels so good!

No am not thinking about those eyes, no am not looking out for my next prey and no am not sad or happy or blah blah blah. Am just me in all my entirety and on all of the planes-physical, mental, spiritual and emotional.

Sometimes I feel this life is stretching unnecessarily long. I mean I have seen and done and experienced enough in these short years that went zooming by. I am not inclined to live the full circle of this life. Nehhh, am not. Then why the hell am I still carrying on? I mean how difficult it is to end this all up? Gotta just go and stand in front of the next bus/train/truck that comes in and close my eyes one final time or maybe just keep walking on the balcony of 16th floor and forget that I have to stop when the railing comes or if nothing else then just go real high on the sleeping pills I have in my pocket! Just how difficult it is?

Very.

I once said this to someone who was very keen on ending up his/her life – “If you so want to end this up why don’t you just go and end this up? What is holding you back?” When the other person gave me back a look which was more comical than quizzical and I found it almost impossible to hide my wide grin (which is very famous by the way) I knew I had to carry on. I continued saying this – “I’ll tell you what. Close your eyes and ask yourself the same question and then give yourself an answer. Your first reaction might be that you are scared or you really don’t know. Don’t stop right now. Keep asking and keep answering and slowly and gradually you will realize that it is not why you don’t do it, it actually is all that you stand to lose when you do it! Fine no one loves you, fine no one cares about you. But is it so that you don’t love anyone? That you do not have even a single shred of this fibre called emotion attaching you to someone in this whole wide big world? Someone you are afraid would not if miss you then atleast find some difficulties when you are gone?” The next thing I knew, her id changed to smilingflower from witheringflower.

And I was glad. Quiet glad actually and here let me also kick off my modesty with my shoes and admit that I have been able to persuade quiet a lot of people around me to change. To see and to think differently. Its not something that I am really proud of but yes it is something that makes me split into a broad grin every time I come to think of it. I can be like a radiant sun exuding warmth light and hope when I want to and in a snap of fingers change myself back to a rapidly shrinking blackhole taking down everything that comes into vicinity. Really kicked out my modesty didn’t I? Lol!

Back to the question then. Why don’t “I” do it when I feel that this life is getting unnecessarily long? Do I have the same reasons to give myself as I gave to her? Can I convince myself with the same logic that I used to convince her? Probably not. And why not? Well lets just leave that between me myself and I. What I am trying to say here is that for whatsoever reasons I do indeed chose to live on and on and on perfectly aware that I have nothing to gain from this life anymore and yet much to lose to it if I chose to go on like the way I am doing now. Well yes somethings do help me to carry on. I mean when some ladies gang up against me and tell me they are going to make me fall in love I am like “ Jeez! Can life get any better than this!? Imagine being chased by these gorgeous girls when am trying to push them away!!” Loll! Yes things like these do help but then they can not be the only reason I carry on.

Of course there is sex. Come on now! How can you even think that sex is missing from this equation! There is sex and lot of it(modesty still out!). But then am at a stage where my mind is always in a frenzy no matter where I am what I am doing, even when am pulsating on top of a beautiful dark skinned dame whose gorgeous eyes are closed in either ecstasy or maybe trying to imagine Tom Cruz or Brad Pitt on her instead of me and frankly I could not care less even if she is trying to make love to God himself while calling out my name or even if she calls me out by the wrong name altogether (well happened once; seriously). Anyways, so having sex does lend a credible weight to the entire equation I am trying to balance here but it is not the only good thing in life I am left with.

Money? Not really. Have just started working, come from a very poor family so no inheritance other than a lot of social responsibilities which even if I try to give out as free gifts none will accept. Yes I have a couple of ideas which if I work on can get me billions pronto but then I am tooo lazy to work on them. Give me some time alone, a bottle of beer, a Marlboro and this is what I’d be doing – out of my shoes into my skin and onto my laptop! (right now am in my office though, yes I am!!).

Love? Now define love. If you mean love as in one of my regular readers (yes am talking about you starry eyed lasse) interprets it to be then NO! :-D. But if you say love as in what I might feel towards a friend, family then ummmmm maybe yes and that too a teeny weeny yes. I mean I am perfectly capable of snapping the threads whenever I want to and retract back in my shell, isolated. I am, and I do that often at times. These are the moments when I usually write heavy crap on my blogs, when I talk about philosophy and god and you know – the works. So love might just be a part of the equation.

Not making much of a sense right now am I? :-D I know I am not and this is the “me” when am in one of these relaxed moods! I try to think and be rationale but instead I get carried out towards all the sins of life and lose my way (temporarily ok!?) on the path of wisdom and land up in the arms of this Satan. Its like letting my hair down (don’t laugh!) and basking in the sunlight for once.


Oho! Sorry guys, would have to wind up right here, some one is calling my name in my mailbox. Would have to slip on my shoes again and type something worthwhile on my machine now. Damn! See what I meant? Cant afford to steal some time for myself ever L

Don’t know if I will publish it or not, but if I do, I apologize in advance for wasting a few moments of your time and making you see this irrational, erratic, crazy me!

7 Comments:

  1. kat said...
    Nothing wrong with you. I'm not sure I've seen you truly, but I don't think there's anything wrong with you.

    I have in rare moments been so hurt I thought "if that car hits me, it might be a blessing", but my life is not about me. I'm a survivor. Whether I always want to be or not.

    You like to influence people, I think. It makes me a tad wary of you. You remind me of someone I know too well. LOL But I'm glad you're not thinking of "those eyes".

    Sex is easy. Love is hard. Many times I think myself incapable of love. Well, love in a romantic sense. I'm not sure I'm genetically equipped for it.

    Money and success are two different things. I think you want to be successful at what sits in the back of your mind, but you're not sure how to accomplish that. That's not lazy.

    As for retracting into your shell, I can relate.

    I'm glad you published this. I'm not sure why I answered like this. Maybe mostly because I don't really know how to respond. I like you, John. Nothing to share, prove, or explain.
    Loz said...
    The thing about blogging is we can all reveal parts of ourselves that we have never revealed before and which may never see the light of day again. I've often wondered about what purpose there is in life and you know what, it is enough that we do wonder.
    morinn said...
    I'm glad you published this. It was a pleasure diving into the inner you and even though it feels a little confused or whatever, at the end your readers end up understanding. At least I did! ;)
    raving lunatic said...
    oh wow! a comment from the elusive enchantress Kat and the wise Gandalf! Man I sure have stirred something here it seems!

    Thanks for your comments guys. There is nothing much I can say about what you wrote since both of you have not really left any room for deliberations, whatever you said is so accurate! But Kat why are you glad that I am no longer thinking of those eyes eh *wink wink*. Loz I know this feeling about wondering...it just tugs me with such ardent fervour that I immediately snap the little tendon of thought and save my sanity!

    Morinn I am glad you understood cuz I for sure didn't! BTW how was that hen :-P?
    kat said...
    I think you're ignoring my request, John. lol I don't blame you. I would do the same. Oh, and, of course, because my eyes should be the only ones you can think of. lol *flutters my eyelashes at you vacantly*
    Ashu said...
    thx man for ur wonderful comment on my blog :)
    raving lunatic said...
    hey Kat, trust you have your answers now :-) How in the world can I ignore you!

    Ashu, you are most welcome always!

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