Friday, 28 March 2008
JFK - Just for Kicks!
LOL! I got these sent out today in an email and I so loved the idea. definitely am going for something like this when I finally go away
Wednesday, 19 March 2008
An escaping ambition
This is a repost of one of my earlier posts. I am doing this because this is what I have been feeling off late. If you read this to the end tell me please if you ever feel this way.
An Escaping Ambition
An Escaping Ambition
Last night a silent whisper woke me up from my slumber. Out of the corner of my sleep filled eyes I saw a shadow trying to tip toe its way out of my room. Perplexed and still delirious I called out, “Who are you and where are you heading to?”
On hearing my voice the shadow stopped and stood with its head bowed. When I repeated my question, the shadow as if imploring me said “Sir I am a small ambition who lived in your eyes since ages and I was now leaving.” This shocked me and I could not do anything but ask “Why my old friend. What grave inconvenience could have I caused you which made you break this old relationship and leave?” As if I had embarrassed the shadow, it spoke meekly. “Sir, I have been with you as long as I could remember. You gave me birth and you brought me up. You nursed me in your heart. You gave me a place in your eyes and a place in your vision. You catered for me in your plans and you accommodated me in your sleep. Still after all these years and all this work I remained a black shadow. I could never be a reality and come and stand in front of you. I have hurt you, pained you and I do not want to do this anymore. I was leaving so you could live in peace.”
I was startled. My eyes suddenly felt heavy, as if something was filling them up. Tears maybe but I didn’t know. I was at a complete loss of words. It was as if someone had hidden all my words from me. I could sense them and see them as stars twinkling around me but as soon as I reached out with my hand to touch them they vanished with a pop like magic and the more I strained my eyes to follow the crisscrossed trajectory of these flying words the heavier my eyes became. I didn’t know what to say to this black shadow which now stood so humbly with its head bowed and arms dropped down to its sides. Perhaps an era or maybe a lifetime later I asked again – “If this is true my friend then why leave so quietly? Why not tell me and shake hands and leave? Why leave like a thief, as if you have something to hide or someone to hide from. Surely it can not be me. I have loved you and as you said, treasured you. Why then leave without a final hug or so much so as a handshake? Is our bond so weak that you can simply shrug it off and walk away?”
As if possible the shadow sank a few feet in the ground. It suddenly appeared smaller and weaker. With a sigh the shadow replied, “I was not alone in your eyes sir. A small hope lives right next to me. She is not very strong. She would not have survived if she knew I was leaving. She would have cried and insisted on coming along with me and had that happened, you sir would have been left all alone. I never intended that to happen. Farewell sir and please take good care of that hope. If anything were to happen to her you would be all alone.”
Thursday, 3 January 2008
Ohh FOCK It!
The first few words I uttered as I slammed my laptop shut in frustration.
It had been a miserable complete waste of 3 hours that I have ever spent. And if you must ask what I was doing, I was trying to update this bloody blogger template! Jeez! Well I always thought technology is a means (to our end sometimes) aimed at making our lives simpler and easier, until I was hit by the foolish idea - to update the look of my blog.
I was immediately prepped up. Its like that proverbial bolt of lightning you see hitting the central cartoon character on Cartoon Network which then is immediately followed up by an unbelievable widening of the irises of his eyes and an utterly ridiculously stupid east to west grin on his mouth and a sudden appearance of a bright shiny100 Watt bulb on his head which then pulsates back and forth to catch the viewers attention. The character then swoops both his arms towards one side, lifts his leg, flutters his long ears and dashes from one corner of your screen to disappear in the other. The film proceeds and in the very next frame the character hits a big boulder, the widened irises come together to render the poor soul cross eyed, the tongue sneaks out from the corner of his lips giving a completely new dimension to the hitherto "oh so cute" wide grin, the bulb shatters into a zillion pieces that transform into small golden birds which start chirping and flying in a circle over his head when promptly like a log he lands squarely flat on his back.
I should say that completely summarizes my initial attempt of updating the template on my blog.
I was very inspired by the looks of Ashu's Blog and Annie's Blog and thought to myself "Hey! when they can do it why cant you!" while conveniently forgetting the fact that they are ladies of probably extraordinary intelligence while my intellectual capabilities can best be compared to well the character on the Cartoon Network. Nonetheless I used google and had a few million hits when I searched for blogger templates. I have no idea why this perked me up and made me feel as if I have really accomplished something. Even now I have absolutely no clue why in that moment did I feel so proud and satisfied as if I have really accomplished my mission in this life which if you have noticed I kinda keep questioning time and again. Anyways, I selected a template, downloaded it from its source site, went to the settings section of my blog, uploaded the template, read quickly through some warnings that immediately came up in red about some widgets (whatever they are) being deleted and not giving two hoot for any damn thing in this entire cycle, I clicked confirm delete and lo! I immediately had a weird looking error code on my screen which looked like straight out from The Da Vinci Code anagrams along with a small apology text that looked like Prez. Mush's letter to G.W. Bush after 9/11 (which as per few very popular jokes was dispatched on 9/10!).
I had hit the boulder, my eyes were squinting to make sense of this screen (not completely cross eyed yet), I was almost close to scratching my head but little did I know I am about to fall squarely on my back very soon.
I gave my famous Houdini flourish of the hand and promptly mouthed Hogwash(read Harry Potter if you dont know what this means) and I still don't know why I closed the browser down. I think I was under the impression that the Blogger servers live somewhere hidden in my browser and if I get rid of this particular instance of my browser the corresponding server would die (yeah! die you bi*ch die!) and would completely forget what happened and when I start another browser, a new server would start magically (ref. Harry Potter again, no wait try Lord of The Rings this time) and the mighty balance of the cyber space universe would be restored automatically and peace shall be bestowed onto these pages. So I started a new instance of firefox, promptly typed http://achingpen.blogspot.com and..........well now I was flat on my back!
Every thing from my blog other than my posts was simply wiped off. No blog catalog thing, no mybloglog widget, no favorites, history, my fav posts, simply nothing! My tongue would have lolled out had my mouth not formed a big O and my eyes would definitely have been cross eyed had they not been trying to imitate the shape of my mouth. Basically I was looking like a close up of the poor cartoon character when he was lying flat on the ground.
Stop grinning will you? This is supposed to be a saga of my sorrows. An odyssey from one template to the other where during the course of my journey I lost a lot, bid farewell to a lot of things that were dear to me and at times I simply passed out of exhaustion.
So back on the trail then. The reverberations of the virtual cosmic shock had me literally trembling all over. I scrolled up, I scrolled down, I scrolled right, I scrolled left (as if that would have helped!) but to not avail. All of my customizations had simply vanished, much like ethics from a corporate America and sense from a booze laden Britain and honesty from a corrupt India. I had no idea what should I do next. In vain I logged on to the settings section of my blog and tried moving back to my old template. As you experienced folks would know that didn't help either. Nothing, nope, nada!
And so began a vicissitude of experimental change. A new blog came up http://getmemylife.blogspot.com where I started playing. I ventured alone in the amazonian jungle of CSS, div tags, blogger code and HTML. I fought single handedly with the demons of xml and snatched the much sought arcanum of widget customizations. Yes it was tough, yes at times I yelled my desperate cries to the gelid Gods of blogger help sections, to the acknowledged gurus of template customization and yes more often than not I did think of giving up but my obdurate conscience wouldn't let me.
At the end though I stood victorious. The new blog had just the look I wanted. Exhilarated, ebullient and almost bibulous now I copied the template and uploaded it to this url here. More warnings in red again about widget deletions which made perfect sense to me this time and even though I pressed "confirm delete" again, this time I knew what I was doing.
Pray note that knowledge doesn't really make anyone wise. When first I had pressed "confirm delete" I had no idea whatsoever what I was doing yet I went ahead and completed the action but time when I knew all that I was supposed to know before making an informed decision I the mighty old cartoon character still nonetheless clicked "confirm delete"
Bang! Everything lost again! Duh! Prompt came out the three words which make up the title of this post and laptop was slammed shut.
I had heard the tocsin and decided I didn't care.
But of course I did. I gave it a night. I let my unfinished customizations hang in the cyber space for all to see and laugh at me. I woke up the next day and firmed my resolve to sort this out today. I went to my office and at the first chance grabbed hold of Ben who is the lead web UI designer in the office and pleaded him to sort this mess for me. And Ben being the gentleman that he is kindly agreed. Though he made it clear he had no idea on blogger format but hey he is someone who eats CSS, drinks HTML and breathes Xml. Took him about 30 minutes and the blog was ready!
So for now, I have left this blog as Ben handed it over to me as my gratitude to Ben. Thanks Ben! It's time like these when you know who your best friends are. I am sure the fact that I am the boss had nothing to do with your inclination to help my a** out of this mess :D
LOL!
Best,
J
Friday, 14 December 2007
Life - JFK perspective !
So I have a couple of friends whom I stay in touch with using various kinds of messengers. I was sitting idle the other day and was going through a list of people I have on various such IM softwares. I noticed a lot of people have various "enlightening" messages agains their names on my lists. You know those status things you can put against your name to tell the world something (don't know what!).
Many of these statuses were pretty heavy. Now you know me. I can be very thought provoking and philosophical at times, well mostly when I am drunk but the point is that I can be. People puke when they get drunk I go into my (often colloquial even if to myself) verbiage. However back to the point. So I was reading through these status messages and my deformed brain kinda went into an overdrive and started coming up with variations of these pretty thought provoking messages. I thought I would share some of these "Life - JFK style" thoughts with you.
Original - I had the blues because I had no shoes until I met a man on the street who had no feet
JFK - I had the blues as I had no shoes until I realized I had no socks too!
Original - I guess I could be pretty mad about what happens in this world but it is hard to stay so mad when there is so much beauty all around me.
JFK - I guess I could be pretty mad about what happens in this world but it is hard to stay so focussed when there is so much beer all around me.
Original - Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less.
JFK - Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be tried once. Now is the time to light that dope.
Original - If you're born an original, dont die a copy
JFK - If you're born an original, you're parents did it wrong.
Original - People laught because I am different, I laugh because they are all the same
JFK - People laugh because I am different, I laugh because they put me in the wrong ward!
Would keep adding to these as and when people give fodder to my starved mind. I would suggest you subscribe to my RSS feed. If you are using IE or Firefox it is pretty easy. You should see an icon like this
in the right hand corner of the adress bar or menu bar of your browser (i.e. where the URL is written. If you dont know what a URL is, go away now). Simply click that icon and you will know what to do.
If this was too complicated for you then simply write your email id in the box to your right (below my profile) and hit the button!
And before I sign off, here is this special award I would like to award to this special lady in the pic below. This award is the "Dumbest blond of the year award" and it goes to
Ta!
JFK
Many of these statuses were pretty heavy. Now you know me. I can be very thought provoking and philosophical at times, well mostly when I am drunk but the point is that I can be. People puke when they get drunk I go into my (often colloquial even if to myself) verbiage. However back to the point. So I was reading through these status messages and my deformed brain kinda went into an overdrive and started coming up with variations of these pretty thought provoking messages. I thought I would share some of these "Life - JFK style" thoughts with you.
Original - I had the blues because I had no shoes until I met a man on the street who had no feet
JFK - I had the blues as I had no shoes until I realized I had no socks too!
Original - I guess I could be pretty mad about what happens in this world but it is hard to stay so mad when there is so much beauty all around me.
JFK - I guess I could be pretty mad about what happens in this world but it is hard to stay so focussed when there is so much beer all around me.
Original - Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less.
JFK - Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be tried once. Now is the time to light that dope.
Original - If you're born an original, dont die a copy
JFK - If you're born an original, you're parents did it wrong.
Original - People laught because I am different, I laugh because they are all the same
JFK - People laugh because I am different, I laugh because they put me in the wrong ward!
Would keep adding to these as and when people give fodder to my starved mind. I would suggest you subscribe to my RSS feed. If you are using IE or Firefox it is pretty easy. You should see an icon like this
in the right hand corner of the adress bar or menu bar of your browser (i.e. where the URL is written. If you dont know what a URL is, go away now). Simply click that icon and you will know what to do.
If this was too complicated for you then simply write your email id in the box to your right (below my profile) and hit the button!
And before I sign off, here is this special award I would like to award to this special lady in the pic below. This award is the "Dumbest blond of the year award" and it goes to
Ta!
JFK
Monday, 10 December 2007
Who am I
I am drunk.
I am drunk and I am alone and lonely and I am bored. I am strong and I am iron willed and I am headstrong. I am torn between what my head tells me and what my heart yearns for and if I am neither my heart nor my head then I don’t know who I am.
Who am I?
Who?
I live in this body. I use its senses to see to hear to touch to smell and to feel. I use this heart to desire to ache to yearn to love to loath to convulse in alternating pangs of yearning and desire and love and loathing and I use this brain to think and contemplate. I use this hand to pour my drink to light my cigarette and I use this mouth to savor them both. I fill these lungs with this poison and I use this respiratory system to exhale the spent lethal smoke out. I use this brain to think to analyze to morally chastise others and myself for doing what I do and yet I am not bound by the thoughts that I force this brain to think. I then make this brain contradict the same line of reasoning I made it rationalize with the arguments I forced upon it. I give it an alternate path of analytical and logical reasoning and I torture myself when this brain starts liking the contradicting line of thought I just gave it. I make my own chains, I put myself at the two ends of this “logical” rope and play tug of war with it and then I make this heart cry out with this pull from the two ends that I suffer and I make it yearn for these contradicting forces to stop which I had forced this brain to come up with in the first place.
What am I?
What?
Caught between an intense emotional situation like death (http://achingpen.blogspot.com/2007/07/ode-to-death.html) or a heartbreak (http://achingpen.blogspot.com/2007/10/welcome-to-end.html) or an innocent desire (http://achingpen.blogspot.com/2007/08/angel.html) or a betrayal (http://achingpen.blogspot.com/2007/09/dance.html) or simple pure exhaustion (http://achingpen.blogspot.com/2007/09/weird-song-for-gym.html)I feel and I think. I react and yet I am detached. I stay in the situation playing around me in this world bound by the metaphysical laws defined by the equations of mathematics and theorems of physics and yet I float above the room in the hollow emptiness and watch the same situation passively from a distance impervious to all the emotional drama that is folding all around me. I then make this heart yearn to escape this multitude of sentiments pouring all around me and I command this brain to come up with an escape route. Then when this brain reminds me of the brilliant yet impossible conclusions of quantum mechanics I often find a black hole and use its gravitational field to tear across this universe and reach into another one which is a part of this multiverse to make myself content. Failing the availability of a black hole or a shooting start I simply pulverize myself and drift across the quantum foam present all around me to again reach another parallel universe. Yet I feel the tentacles of the same emotional drama reach me and lick me and burn me and what more, now that I have crossed the boundaries of my immediate universe and have escaped to one of the “n” possible universes I feel the simultaneous torture of all the possible emotional situations in all the possible infinite universes all together in all of my possible hearts in all of my possible bodies in all these universes and I burn in infinite infernos all at once. I am in this universe and that and another one all at once and I am caught in a whirlpool, a frenzied torrents of all possible sentiments which these muscular hearts are capable of realizing and I suffer them all at once.
Where am I?
Where?
I came into this universe as a byproduct of human love and in some other universes as a byproduct of pure simple lust. I was caught from that “place of eternal peace” known as the moksha or the pearly gates or jannat and was bound in this body and the others and was sentenced to spend some human years on this planet and all others. I was given an option called death to escape the cycle of time and a multitude of means to realize it but simultaneously I was bound by the magical ties called relations and was stripped of my ability to exercise a willing escape. I know not who am I know not I what am I and I know not where I am but I know for sure I am what I am and I shall never be what this heart desires.
I shall never be what my heart desires.
Thursday, 11 October 2007
Welcome to the End
This one that I am going to share with you now is something which I wrote around 5 years back. Grab a cuppa or a single malt scotch if you wish because this one is long and would make your brain cells tingle. Besides you might not want to read this in one go. Take your time as this one would also probably be last for atleast couple weeks. When I have landed safely in Bangalore and am merrilly drunk enough someday I shall write more.
Something bellows in my ears sending tremors down my spine shaking my existence as I discover where I have been lured to. And as these waves of realizations crash over me again and again hammering against my ever so weakening resistance there is just so much that is boiling within my subdued conscience which is slowly but firmly rising to the surface as if hoping to evanesce from the pores on my skin and it makes me want to scream and shout and ask you - Now what!? And no I do not expect an answer or an explanation of any kind my love, just the courtesy that you hear me out till the end - the end of my existence. And with this hope that you are here somewhere just out of the reach of my mortal vision for I can still sense your presence lingering in my senses I shall pour it all out.
I am at the Point of No Return. I am left with no choices and though it is a bliss for me to not have myself being subjected to the strenuous thought process of separating the right from the wrong forcing myself to make some choice which is more morally correct than letting my humble heart gladly chase the more pleasing ones still, for some insane reason unknown to even myself I long to be given an option - an option to go back in time and undo everything. But since that is something which will not happen I shall stick to my present precarious standing and go on with my insane blabber.
I have been in love and madly. For though am sure I was blindfolded for I could not see anything but your innocent image seducing my eyes I distinctively remember following the hypnotizing sound of your voice asking me to come and get you and that I am almost there that you are just in reach and oh how I remember that giggling "no am not here baby come find me" I do not recall seeing anything else. And now as the music of your voice has come to an end and I remove this blindfold I find myself standing at the edge of reason beyond which is a steep fall to eternity that will swiftly carry me to nothingness. There is no way back the ground beneath my feet is trembling and I know I would have to make the jump sooner rather than later. And though nothing matters at this point the terms difficult and pain having both lost their meanings still my mortal self with all its weaknesses that a human inherits from his essence of flesh shuddered when I looked into this nothingness for it is not empty my love.
No it is not. Now that I have edged closer preparing myself to take that last step that shall end it all I see that this space beyond my existence and my exoneration is filled with infernos. Fires of hell are rising from somewhere deep below and are rapidly spreading their ghastly tentacles up to where I stand. I can feel the heat intensifying with every passing second and with it I see the shameless dance of these flames being executed with a perfect symphony, the music of death. I see shapes being formed in these fires, daemons of all kind and nature emerging from within its core taking their shapes from the worst of my fears from what now feels like an earlier life. But yes o my lurer I see them all - reptiles, dragons, sphinx all kinds of beasts and flesh eaters and it is a pandemonium down there a frenzy of activity a celebration for I can see that they are waiting for their next feed - me. Me!?
And as for me, I have no apprehensions of any sorts trailing on my steps and I would have gladly jumped in if, yes love I would have jumped in if and only if I was sure that this would be the end of the story. That I will jump in and these daemons from hell would all pounce on me and I will have the ecstasy of watching the barriers of my skin and flesh being ripped apart by their deep claws digging into my conscience, that the process of my ethnic cleansing shall begin and for the first ritual I shall be made to bathe in my own blood whose fury shall be used to pulverize the layers of my sins. And then when my blood has been made black enough these denizens of dark realms shall smother their faces with it while chewing on my flesh and then slowly as all veils are torn frontiers jumped and barriers breached and as my soul stands naked with nothing to hide these worshippers of Satan shall take me away to dissolve my essence into their black world.
No I would not have had any problems.
But I know that this can not be allowed to happen for I know that I have to give in, jump into this black pit and yet survive, that I have to fight till my last breadth that no matter how dark my blood is made I still have to save my soul, for darling I have duties still to fulfill, jobs to finish and people to live for. No matter how much I hate to but alas I have to survive. And so it is at this moment o my puppeteer that for the last time I want to ask you that which is burning within my sanity right now. Yes I have to I just need to even though I know you would not be able to take out this raging fire within me.
Why! Why did this have to happen!? What went wrong and where!? I know am not good but was I that bad!? I still fail to comprehend the entire sequence of events that lead me to this end of life. I remember the time when you had come to me had “begged” me to believe in you to let you be a part of my life and I remember despite the voices screaming in my head and those rock solid icebergs of insecurities crashing against the walls of my heart that decision of mine to let you in my life once. Yes I do remember all that, I do. And lo! Suddenly there is music in the air and wherever I turn I see flowers blossoming and the raging wind of hell turning into a zephyr and Almighty’s whole creation turning beautiful again, beautiful as the face of a new born and equally innocent. And my stiff nerves begin to relax, my eyes which were ever so wide open and staring aghast all around me forever watchful of any danger or misfortune that might be lurking in the dark corners and might just pounce on me lest I should look away taking me down, the same eyes begin drooping for it has been a long time since I slept. My insecurities melting away in the radiance of your smile just as what the warm sunshine does to the aftermaths of a violent night’s storm and I finally give in.
Yes my love I give in to the warmth of your smile the passion in your eyes and the surety of your touch. I surrender and rest my head in your lap for I know no matter if the face of our past is ghastly and ugly with chunks of fleshes removed and dark unexplained voids left in places but now that you are here with me loving me caring for me and truly mine I know that the future is going to be nothing less than the beautiful smile of Mona Lisa and this time my love we shall be the artists.
With these assurances and your love filling everywhere in my heart I let myself totally for you. And I watch you play those “oh so cute” games and I feel such pride in being the beau of the most desired wanted divine angel on this earth who by a flick of her hand a blink of her eye or even the color of her blush can fill this aura with the most natural, pure, raw and yet ripe emotion – Love! And I don’t have words to thank the heavens above or the faith to believe my destiny enough but oh I so blindly do for I know somehow don’t ask me how but I just know that this for the first time is true and is happening to me for I can feel it rising and maturing in every pour on my body. I sense it traveling down my spine and I can hear the music in my senses. I can see your aroma hear the beautiful color of your skin and visualize the music of your voice. And then I feel your hand on mine your body closing in and I know it is time. Yes my love I know your gestures and I want you to know that I desire you too and I am longing to feel those extremities of love when it reaches its crescendo where the three universes of human existence –emotional physical and spiritual collide and are merged and take the shape of something which can only be felt and not realized by any of our human senses. Yes my love I long to complete this triad this trinity. I take you in my arms and so we begin to compose the music together where the only instruments are us – our bodies. And now oh now I see you closing in and I feel you and realize your presence filling my senses shutting out whatever other human realizations I might have and oh now you ask me if you’d let you blindfold me and I who knows not the meaning of this word “no” when it comes to you can do little more than say “anything you desire my love, anything you want”. And you do it. All I can hear now is your giggling and chuckling and your voice asking me to come and get you and this stupid me keeps following it like someone charmed by a skilled master and I all I can do is to keep walking. And now that I can no longer hear that voice and as I remove this blindfold I find myself in this predicament.
Why did you do this love, why! I never asked you to love me to be with me, yes I wanted to but I never ever in my living conscience asked you to show me this beautiful world and the magic and charm of it that is so capable of enchanting anyone for I always feared craving for it when it is eventually taken away just as in this moment I am! And trust me if I can only get the answer to this raging humiliating “why” burning within me then these infernos I am to jump in shall be nothing more than a dip in the pleasant waters of river Ganges for they eventually would cleanse me of my sins but yes for this fear of uncertainty I face right now all these whys and why nots this is worse than anything I might have to face as I make this eternal fall.
This is why I want you to throw these answers at me. Oh please understand it this way if you must that I “want” to jump but I can not, something is holding my feet firmly below so please please please oh my love hit me with these answers throw them at me make me lose my balance make me complete this fall and for once in my entire life – make me certain of something!!
Still all I hear is silence.
I never expected an answer though I must admit that I hoped for one. And then again what is the meaning of our existence if not hope. It is hope that carries us forward, hope that springs within our hearts, hope that makes us go around and sometimes round and round in circles. Oh! What a time to realize all this when the dusk of this doomsday is just about to fall and I am about to release myself to satisfy the yearnings of these poor creatures, what a glorifying moment. And then perhaps this is the apt time. Had it been some other epoch of my more humane life I probably might have refused to recognize the truth and debated against the supremacy of love in this world. Though even now I admit that I haven’t the slightest ideas of what is love. Can you tell me what is love ? Is love conquering? That you see someone walking away from you and you suddenly realize that you just have to stop him and so like a beleaguered soul you rush after his fading silhouette drop down on your knees and keep on speaking beautiful words and make him realize he is the core of your existence. And then finally when he is convinced and you see some more tears falling in front of you along with your own and you raise your face to look each other in the eyes and read desires and wishes and longings and dreams and you rise and take each other in your arms, you as if suddenly jolted by the touch of his hands wake up from some kind of a deep slumber and suddenly break away from the embrace. “Oh! Am sorry you are not the one I want. I already have you. Look that’s the one I want, the one you can see is walking away. I have to get to him stop him before it is too late! Oh I am so sorry…”
Is this love?
Or probably not. This is not love, how can it be!? Probably love is like a child and a candy. A child loves his candy and is annoyed that he doesn’t get enough of it. Then one day by a fine stroke of luck he is granted his eternal wish. He can have as much candy as he wants and he is overjoyed. He rushes into the piles and piles of his favorite candy filling his hands, mouth pockets. But eventually he is bored and feels repulsed even by the thought of the same thing of which he could not get enough until the moment he was given enough!
No I think I am wrong again. Forgive me as it is a trifle hard to think clearly with all this smoke clogging my senses and the fire burning my skin and this trench of charring flesh making me a little dizzy.
What is love!? A philosophy, a wisdom, a poet’s words, a composers music, an athlete’s dedication, a pupil’s pursuit, a monk’s power of will, a greed’s lust or a smile that dances on your lips when you see someone or a thought that crosses your mind when you sit by your window at dusk and see the birds returning to their nests on the backdrop of a cherise azure and a sleepy tired sun? Or is it the desire you get when you lie down alone at night and see the stars twinkling right through your roof as if it was never there and feel the moon reaching its glorious youth. Or is love a trap where sentimental emotional fools like yours truly get trapped!? I apologize for the insanity of all these questions and for getting onto your nerves sweetheart for heavens know that I shall not in the least of my waking conscience would do anything to cause you grief but for where I stand I assume I can be given the liberty to hold you in my thoughts and shake you violently and say “wake up!! Look what you have done!” and it shall not be a complaint. No it is not a complaint but a breaking sense of realization that I possessed now and that which I want you to hold when I am gone.
And this brings me to the real reason of all this gibberish maundering I lofted in this thick smoke clogged air. I want you to know and realize what it is that you have done. Not just the pain you caused me baby but the trust that you broke.
And now what? The questions? Oh I let them go. For thinking about all that as I stand here my eyesight is sure getting blurred but my vision is becoming clearer. To put it rudely “Come on now ! what the heck you need the recipes for! If the damned food is good go ahead and savor it!” What good would the answers do to me my love? Pacify me! Well for someone whose soul would be ripped apart just moments from now I reckon there would be just so much good that quenching my ever ending thirst would do to me. So I let them go- the questions and the answers.
At the end of it I want you to know that I do not blame you for anything, anything at all. Or okay I take the liberty of having an upper hand and say “I exonerate you”. For maybe I know not what love is and the rules or the absence of them which govern the behavior of those in love with each other and I reckon it better to leave the job of finding these answers to you and the better people of God, I am absolutely sure of one thing – that I have loved you and there shall never be anybody else.
Take care
Jump
So then - Welcome to the End!
Something bellows in my ears sending tremors down my spine shaking my existence as I discover where I have been lured to. And as these waves of realizations crash over me again and again hammering against my ever so weakening resistance there is just so much that is boiling within my subdued conscience which is slowly but firmly rising to the surface as if hoping to evanesce from the pores on my skin and it makes me want to scream and shout and ask you - Now what!? And no I do not expect an answer or an explanation of any kind my love, just the courtesy that you hear me out till the end - the end of my existence. And with this hope that you are here somewhere just out of the reach of my mortal vision for I can still sense your presence lingering in my senses I shall pour it all out.
I am at the Point of No Return. I am left with no choices and though it is a bliss for me to not have myself being subjected to the strenuous thought process of separating the right from the wrong forcing myself to make some choice which is more morally correct than letting my humble heart gladly chase the more pleasing ones still, for some insane reason unknown to even myself I long to be given an option - an option to go back in time and undo everything. But since that is something which will not happen I shall stick to my present precarious standing and go on with my insane blabber.
I have been in love and madly. For though am sure I was blindfolded for I could not see anything but your innocent image seducing my eyes I distinctively remember following the hypnotizing sound of your voice asking me to come and get you and that I am almost there that you are just in reach and oh how I remember that giggling "no am not here baby come find me" I do not recall seeing anything else. And now as the music of your voice has come to an end and I remove this blindfold I find myself standing at the edge of reason beyond which is a steep fall to eternity that will swiftly carry me to nothingness. There is no way back the ground beneath my feet is trembling and I know I would have to make the jump sooner rather than later. And though nothing matters at this point the terms difficult and pain having both lost their meanings still my mortal self with all its weaknesses that a human inherits from his essence of flesh shuddered when I looked into this nothingness for it is not empty my love.
No it is not. Now that I have edged closer preparing myself to take that last step that shall end it all I see that this space beyond my existence and my exoneration is filled with infernos. Fires of hell are rising from somewhere deep below and are rapidly spreading their ghastly tentacles up to where I stand. I can feel the heat intensifying with every passing second and with it I see the shameless dance of these flames being executed with a perfect symphony, the music of death. I see shapes being formed in these fires, daemons of all kind and nature emerging from within its core taking their shapes from the worst of my fears from what now feels like an earlier life. But yes o my lurer I see them all - reptiles, dragons, sphinx all kinds of beasts and flesh eaters and it is a pandemonium down there a frenzy of activity a celebration for I can see that they are waiting for their next feed - me. Me!?
And as for me, I have no apprehensions of any sorts trailing on my steps and I would have gladly jumped in if, yes love I would have jumped in if and only if I was sure that this would be the end of the story. That I will jump in and these daemons from hell would all pounce on me and I will have the ecstasy of watching the barriers of my skin and flesh being ripped apart by their deep claws digging into my conscience, that the process of my ethnic cleansing shall begin and for the first ritual I shall be made to bathe in my own blood whose fury shall be used to pulverize the layers of my sins. And then when my blood has been made black enough these denizens of dark realms shall smother their faces with it while chewing on my flesh and then slowly as all veils are torn frontiers jumped and barriers breached and as my soul stands naked with nothing to hide these worshippers of Satan shall take me away to dissolve my essence into their black world.
No I would not have had any problems.
But I know that this can not be allowed to happen for I know that I have to give in, jump into this black pit and yet survive, that I have to fight till my last breadth that no matter how dark my blood is made I still have to save my soul, for darling I have duties still to fulfill, jobs to finish and people to live for. No matter how much I hate to but alas I have to survive. And so it is at this moment o my puppeteer that for the last time I want to ask you that which is burning within my sanity right now. Yes I have to I just need to even though I know you would not be able to take out this raging fire within me.
Why! Why did this have to happen!? What went wrong and where!? I know am not good but was I that bad!? I still fail to comprehend the entire sequence of events that lead me to this end of life. I remember the time when you had come to me had “begged” me to believe in you to let you be a part of my life and I remember despite the voices screaming in my head and those rock solid icebergs of insecurities crashing against the walls of my heart that decision of mine to let you in my life once. Yes I do remember all that, I do. And lo! Suddenly there is music in the air and wherever I turn I see flowers blossoming and the raging wind of hell turning into a zephyr and Almighty’s whole creation turning beautiful again, beautiful as the face of a new born and equally innocent. And my stiff nerves begin to relax, my eyes which were ever so wide open and staring aghast all around me forever watchful of any danger or misfortune that might be lurking in the dark corners and might just pounce on me lest I should look away taking me down, the same eyes begin drooping for it has been a long time since I slept. My insecurities melting away in the radiance of your smile just as what the warm sunshine does to the aftermaths of a violent night’s storm and I finally give in.
Yes my love I give in to the warmth of your smile the passion in your eyes and the surety of your touch. I surrender and rest my head in your lap for I know no matter if the face of our past is ghastly and ugly with chunks of fleshes removed and dark unexplained voids left in places but now that you are here with me loving me caring for me and truly mine I know that the future is going to be nothing less than the beautiful smile of Mona Lisa and this time my love we shall be the artists.
With these assurances and your love filling everywhere in my heart I let myself totally for you. And I watch you play those “oh so cute” games and I feel such pride in being the beau of the most desired wanted divine angel on this earth who by a flick of her hand a blink of her eye or even the color of her blush can fill this aura with the most natural, pure, raw and yet ripe emotion – Love! And I don’t have words to thank the heavens above or the faith to believe my destiny enough but oh I so blindly do for I know somehow don’t ask me how but I just know that this for the first time is true and is happening to me for I can feel it rising and maturing in every pour on my body. I sense it traveling down my spine and I can hear the music in my senses. I can see your aroma hear the beautiful color of your skin and visualize the music of your voice. And then I feel your hand on mine your body closing in and I know it is time. Yes my love I know your gestures and I want you to know that I desire you too and I am longing to feel those extremities of love when it reaches its crescendo where the three universes of human existence –emotional physical and spiritual collide and are merged and take the shape of something which can only be felt and not realized by any of our human senses. Yes my love I long to complete this triad this trinity. I take you in my arms and so we begin to compose the music together where the only instruments are us – our bodies. And now oh now I see you closing in and I feel you and realize your presence filling my senses shutting out whatever other human realizations I might have and oh now you ask me if you’d let you blindfold me and I who knows not the meaning of this word “no” when it comes to you can do little more than say “anything you desire my love, anything you want”. And you do it. All I can hear now is your giggling and chuckling and your voice asking me to come and get you and this stupid me keeps following it like someone charmed by a skilled master and I all I can do is to keep walking. And now that I can no longer hear that voice and as I remove this blindfold I find myself in this predicament.
Why did you do this love, why! I never asked you to love me to be with me, yes I wanted to but I never ever in my living conscience asked you to show me this beautiful world and the magic and charm of it that is so capable of enchanting anyone for I always feared craving for it when it is eventually taken away just as in this moment I am! And trust me if I can only get the answer to this raging humiliating “why” burning within me then these infernos I am to jump in shall be nothing more than a dip in the pleasant waters of river Ganges for they eventually would cleanse me of my sins but yes for this fear of uncertainty I face right now all these whys and why nots this is worse than anything I might have to face as I make this eternal fall.
This is why I want you to throw these answers at me. Oh please understand it this way if you must that I “want” to jump but I can not, something is holding my feet firmly below so please please please oh my love hit me with these answers throw them at me make me lose my balance make me complete this fall and for once in my entire life – make me certain of something!!
Still all I hear is silence.
I never expected an answer though I must admit that I hoped for one. And then again what is the meaning of our existence if not hope. It is hope that carries us forward, hope that springs within our hearts, hope that makes us go around and sometimes round and round in circles. Oh! What a time to realize all this when the dusk of this doomsday is just about to fall and I am about to release myself to satisfy the yearnings of these poor creatures, what a glorifying moment. And then perhaps this is the apt time. Had it been some other epoch of my more humane life I probably might have refused to recognize the truth and debated against the supremacy of love in this world. Though even now I admit that I haven’t the slightest ideas of what is love. Can you tell me what is love ? Is love conquering? That you see someone walking away from you and you suddenly realize that you just have to stop him and so like a beleaguered soul you rush after his fading silhouette drop down on your knees and keep on speaking beautiful words and make him realize he is the core of your existence. And then finally when he is convinced and you see some more tears falling in front of you along with your own and you raise your face to look each other in the eyes and read desires and wishes and longings and dreams and you rise and take each other in your arms, you as if suddenly jolted by the touch of his hands wake up from some kind of a deep slumber and suddenly break away from the embrace. “Oh! Am sorry you are not the one I want. I already have you. Look that’s the one I want, the one you can see is walking away. I have to get to him stop him before it is too late! Oh I am so sorry…”
Is this love?
Or probably not. This is not love, how can it be!? Probably love is like a child and a candy. A child loves his candy and is annoyed that he doesn’t get enough of it. Then one day by a fine stroke of luck he is granted his eternal wish. He can have as much candy as he wants and he is overjoyed. He rushes into the piles and piles of his favorite candy filling his hands, mouth pockets. But eventually he is bored and feels repulsed even by the thought of the same thing of which he could not get enough until the moment he was given enough!
No I think I am wrong again. Forgive me as it is a trifle hard to think clearly with all this smoke clogging my senses and the fire burning my skin and this trench of charring flesh making me a little dizzy.
What is love!? A philosophy, a wisdom, a poet’s words, a composers music, an athlete’s dedication, a pupil’s pursuit, a monk’s power of will, a greed’s lust or a smile that dances on your lips when you see someone or a thought that crosses your mind when you sit by your window at dusk and see the birds returning to their nests on the backdrop of a cherise azure and a sleepy tired sun? Or is it the desire you get when you lie down alone at night and see the stars twinkling right through your roof as if it was never there and feel the moon reaching its glorious youth. Or is love a trap where sentimental emotional fools like yours truly get trapped!? I apologize for the insanity of all these questions and for getting onto your nerves sweetheart for heavens know that I shall not in the least of my waking conscience would do anything to cause you grief but for where I stand I assume I can be given the liberty to hold you in my thoughts and shake you violently and say “wake up!! Look what you have done!” and it shall not be a complaint. No it is not a complaint but a breaking sense of realization that I possessed now and that which I want you to hold when I am gone.
And this brings me to the real reason of all this gibberish maundering I lofted in this thick smoke clogged air. I want you to know and realize what it is that you have done. Not just the pain you caused me baby but the trust that you broke.
And now what? The questions? Oh I let them go. For thinking about all that as I stand here my eyesight is sure getting blurred but my vision is becoming clearer. To put it rudely “Come on now ! what the heck you need the recipes for! If the damned food is good go ahead and savor it!” What good would the answers do to me my love? Pacify me! Well for someone whose soul would be ripped apart just moments from now I reckon there would be just so much good that quenching my ever ending thirst would do to me. So I let them go- the questions and the answers.
At the end of it I want you to know that I do not blame you for anything, anything at all. Or okay I take the liberty of having an upper hand and say “I exonerate you”. For maybe I know not what love is and the rules or the absence of them which govern the behavior of those in love with each other and I reckon it better to leave the job of finding these answers to you and the better people of God, I am absolutely sure of one thing – that I have loved you and there shall never be anybody else.
Take care
Jump
Monday, 1 October 2007
Awkward
The other day my machine in the office broke down. While I was sitting twiddling my thumbs waiting for my machine to be fixed my hands accidentally touched a pen. And what do you know the pen was lying idly on a piece of blank paper too! Out of curiosity on how it would feel to touch a real pen for once I picked it up and tried to balance its nib on the paper. No sooner had I managed to accomplish this might feat the pen slipped through my fingers and this is what came out
Awkward
the first word that which comes to my mind right now. So used to dancing on the keyboard, my fingers are finding it terribly awkward having to balance the precarious tip of this pen over this piece of paper and channel the smooth flow of ink into these precise shapes and curves which might begin to mean something to a mildly literate human.
Awkward.
Awkward that this seemingly common practice of writing should bring back such a torrent of memories and emotions which I never knew I had. Awkward for this sudden revelation should make me feel like a boy who suddenly stumbled upon a hidden treasure and is now simultaneously exhilarated by the find and worried on how best to hide it from his mates and cherish it all on his own.
Awkward for I shall be made to realize how dependent I have become on the online spell checkers and what a way to realize how terrible I am now with my spellings. And awkward on how shall I pen down these seemingly endless flow of events, memories, emotions and that these thoughts which should be unleashed with every drop of ink my pen should smear on this page again and again and should wash over me with such torrent that I simply can not decide whether to put a cap on it (literally!) or to just let myself be washed over by them, allowing them to carry me legions back in these newly discovered memories where I was still an innocent child carefree without any botheration and without the capabilities to understand human psyche or what is right and what is wrong but only aware of what I suddenly want to do at any instant and then simply go ahead and do it without pausing to think the entire possible permutations and combinations of the event stack that which might occur in the wake of my simplest of actions like picking up a pen and writing.
Really awkward.
However probably what makes me feel most awkward is that fact that at the end of the day I would fire up my machine load up my trusted word processor and spell checker and type it all out losing again this newly discovered innocence of struck out links incorrect punctuation marks asymmetrical hieroglyphic curves and wrong spellings. Should I stop then? Cease this relentless flow of ink which shall lost its importance soon as my machine is back online and stop scarring the spotless beauty of this white paper? Or should I simply go on let myself slide on this joy ride as I know that innocent boy would have done without bothering to check whether the landing at the base of the ride is of soft sand or hard cemented floor and would simply not have bothered about the inevitable which I predicted would happen?
At this time my machine was back and I decided to keep this unfinished…..
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)