The Dance

There's another world inside of me
That you may never see
There're secrets in this life
That I can't hide
Somewhere in this darkness
There's a light that I can't find
Maybe it's too far away...
Or maybe I'm just blind...

Maybe I'm just blind...

So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
Hold me when I'm scared
And love me when I'm gone
Everything I am
And everything in me
Wants to be the one
You wanted me to be
I'll never let you down
Even if I could
I'd give up everything
If only for your good
So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
You can hold me when I'm scared
You won't always be there
So love me when I'm gone

Love me when I'm gone...

Lyrics of “When I am gone” by band 3 doors down

The stage is set and they step out on it. Hand in hand, each step a precise beat in a symphony they come out into the spotlight and make their way to the center.

He faces her and looks at her. Dressed in a semi backless black evening gown with thin shoulder straps and with her shoulder length black hair she looks like an angel from heavens up above. There is no wind, not even a breath from the awe bound spectators and yet for some reason her hair maintain a poise of pride, like a halo.
Dressed in his black fit tuxedo immaculate in his appearance with his hair gelled and held back in perfect waves he looks handsome. A fitting beau for a beautiful princess. He stares into her deep brown eyes. The eyelashes as if long fingers protecting priceless diamonds, hide them and then reveals them again. The signal has been given, the acceptance acknowledged and he takes a step back. They turn to face the crowd and take a bow. He looks over his shoulder to his left, a crisp nod of his head and the music begins.

Facing her again and bowing just so slightly he takes her right hand into his left and with all his grace encloses her petite body in his right arm. The feet move, together. The eyes are locked.

The ceremony has begun.

He takes her around. She is agile on her feet, nimble. His movements are firm and precise. His head is held high and she is the image of perfection that moves with an astonishing agility around him. They move in unison, every step carved to perfection. Their movements are swift, rapid, calculated, fast and yet every position held long enough that they seem to be not a part of this space around us but the space itself, as if a maestro like Da Vinci is carving them out instantaneously and marking them fixed in a universe that they seem to leave behind with every passing epoch.

His arm uncoils from her body and she slides on his stretched self from his left to his right, spinning in front of him and making him feel her touch as she moves. She reaches the end of his outstretched right arm and at just the precise moment he catches her from her fingers and pulls her back. For an instance they are face to face again, for an instance the eyes meet again, for an instance there is a fire and they are the center of universe exuding such a powerful burst of energy which a thousand suns and stars cannot mar. She breaks away again, facing the spectators she makes her entire self balance on a tip of her toe of her left feet with her left hand as if caressing her body and her right hand raised on top of her head while her right foot slithers up her left leg and sits touching her knee. She lets herself fall back and he catches her. Her left foot slides in her front extending her body in thin air, her right is still bent and she bends down her neck in his arms and look up at his face. Another moment lived to perfection, another harmony sung out and another orgasm taken to the heights of divine ecstasies. He pulls her up and the feet begin moving together again. They take each other’s hands and for once, she bends back, oozing out an oomph from those who watched muted. She snaps back upright and at the same time flings herself up onto his cuddled up arms and he hoists her above his head claiming his adulation for her as his crown. She lies there suspended between heaven and earth, between a dream and a reality, between a heated desire and a nonchalant possession. He takes her down and she coils her lissome legs around his torso and sits upright in his lap while he stands supporting her feline body with both his arms. Eyes are locked again, lips are almost together and he can make out tiny beads of dew appearing on her forehead with all this love making.

She springs down onto the ground again and he wants to slow down for her sake. She is still electrified, still charged, still the cynosure and he becomes a follower lead by her severe desire. He moves with her still, holds her still and lets go of her still on her every small whim and command that she issues from her entire body using it as an instrument to dictate. The music heats up further and so does she. She moves faster and faster taking him with her and he follows blindly. She spins all around him holding his finger from on top of her head as if a beautiful puppet being suspended from thin air.

And then she stops and falls into his arms. He bends his right knee forward making her stretch horizontal once more. Her torso lies partly on his bent right thigh and partly in the air around her. Her right hand is in his left and his right hand is bent behind his back as if taking a bow. She lies there suspended looking in his eyes. He can see oceans of love and lust crashing with heavenly forces in those pupils. Her eyes burn with desire and affection. And he can see himself being reflected in them. A glint crosses in those sapphires and it takes him a second to realize the left hand which comes down suddenly and buries the blade in his back.
He falters but does not let go. How can he, if he does she’ll fall and he can not allow that to happen! Her hand moves again and the blade is pulled free. She springs free from his body and he tries to stand but bends double. Another flash of lightening and the blade is buried again. He tries to lift his face and look at her. The beads of dew are more pronounced, her hair though as if now beginning to feel the charge coming out of her and trying to stand up slightly still looks a halo. He looks at her and she lifts her right foot. The contact is made on his face and he ends up on the stage lying flat on his back. She moves closer, his eyes squint trying to bring her face into focus. There is a spotlight shinning at the top right at the back of her head, no no its sun, no it’s a moon, no probably it’s a star! Damn its hard to look at her with these rays burning his eyes and he closes them with a single thought running through his dying cells

She still looks beautiful.

Audience breaks into a standing ovation. She turns, takes a bow and leaves.


The ritual has ended.

So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
Hold me when I'm scared
And love me when I'm gone
Everything I am
And everything in me
Wants to be the one
You wanted me to be
I'll never let you down
Even if I could
I'd give up everything
If only for your good
So hold me when I'm here
Right me when I'm wrong
You can hold me when I'm scared
You won't always be there
So love me when I'm gone

Love me when I'm gone...

Angel

image adopted from http://theurbanangel.net/home.html

I'm alone
Yeah, I don't know if I can face the night
I'm in tears and the cryin' that I do is for you
I want your love - Let's break the walls between us
Don't make it tough - I'll put away my pride
Enough's enough I've suffered and I've seen the light


Baby
You're my angel
Come and save me tonight
You're my angel
Come and make it all right

Song “Angel” by band Aerosmith

Lured by the melody of the whisper your feet move. You know naught where they lead you, you care naught where you are headed. All you need, you care, you bother about is the fading sound of those syllables which you chase despite your will, which call your name and take you away and you move.

You enter the chamber and the music goes strong. A whiff of her perfume allures you and eludes you. Eyes closed, curtains drawn, senses dimmed you keep moving and groping your way around to reach her, to find her, to hold her, to kiss her. You open your eyes and it still is same. The darkness, the whisper, the calling, the scent. Hands outstretched you tremble with anticipation yet you never stop moving.

A voice booms “Let there be light” and you are blinded by the piercing flash of light that suddenly fills the space around you. Big bang and your universe begins. Your eyes flicker madly trying to adjust your iris to this sudden revelation. Your hands that were aching to touch her skin suddenly and invariably are drawn to your face trying to shield your eyes.

The sound begins. It is not a whisper anymore but a rumble. Something else is moving in the space around you. The hmmm goes stronger and so does your eyes. You finally make a small window from your cupped palms and sneak a peak. It’s the walls! Damn it’s the walls!

You are in a 10X12 space. The walls are moving, coming closer like a lover to hug you and caress you. And then they are not just walls are they! Spikes are embedded into them. Long, strong, deep metallic spears projecting out, pointing towards you and as many as the pores on your skin. You see them approaching slowly, firmly drawing near with your each breath. You try to stop breathing, maybe that shall slow them down.

And it does! Yes they have stopped.

And you can hold your breath, this should not be a problem for you now my love, should it be? No it would not had it not been the scent of her skin. You still want to inhale her, feel her filling you from within, floating within you dimming your senses as if a shot of heroine. You want to breath damn it. Yes you want to and yet you can for every breath that you take somehow pulls those spikes those spears a tad bit closer. It’s a bargain, what do you chose my friend, where do you put your stake?

You breathe.

Yes you do. You breathe and you breathe. Inhaling deeper and harder, pulling those horrendous devils close and that elusive temptress closer. Every breath is a curse and a blessing. You can see them coming. You can sense her coming. If only you could draw her close before your soul is punctured by these tools of devil you shall not have any regrets. If..

If..

They come closer. They start elongating. Like a lover’s tongue trying to reach you, to lick you, to taste you before she bites you on your lips. They stretch out, reach out to you, trying to touch your skin before she can, while your conscience still is virgin, while you still are pure. Its her versus them and the only thing my dear friend that you can do is breathe.

You breathe harder and faster. They accelerate. Just when you thought, the battle is over, that they are almost here and you look up towards heaven mumbling your final prayers you see her. Agile, petite she floats rapidly down towards you from the space up above. Dressed in white, her hair flowing all around her she looks like an angel. And your heart knows no bound! You are elated, overjoyed! She is here, you are saved. It is all going to be over. She would be with you in an instant and you would hold her and touch her and kiss her and somehow you know that these approaching bearers of doom shall be stopped dead in their tracks.

She comes further towards you. Your arms are outstretched. You want to catch her before her feet touches this doomed ground. She is almost there.

And she stops.

Floating just above you with the smile of a white moonlit night she stands there and watches over you. You call her name. “What’s wrong my love, come down. Am here am waiting!” She smiles further. The spears edge closer. She opens her rose petal lips and calls out a name. No its not yours.

And you see him. He steps magically from the wall right in front of you The spears simply pass through him. He bends his knees jumps up and in an instant is standing right beside her. His arm reaches out around her. She rests her head on his shoulder. They both stand there, just outside your reach smiling down over you.

There is a sharp pain. A burning sting that arises from somewhere deep within. You look towards the walls. There is still some distance left.
Your arms droop, your gaze drops down to the floor. You lift your face once more to look in front of you. One of the serpents has reached. It flicks out its tongue and touches your skin drawing out the first drop.

You are breached.

You look up once more and they are gliding back up, swiftly, softly. Another serpent has come, time for yet another prick, another drop. And they come now, in dozens, as a flock of hungry ravines touching you, breaching you, piercing you. More blood, more slime, more drivel….more pricks.

And you stand there; breathing till the last one comes and stabs you right across the heart. There is a sharp scream. Sound of a heart being broken and they stop for a moment in their flight, look over their shoulders…..and fly away.

Baby
You're my angel
Come and save me tonight
You're my angel
Come and make it all right

Song Angel by band Aerosmith

I walk a lonely road

I walk a lonely road

The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
and I'm the only one and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me

'Til then I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone

Song “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” by Green Day

If I were to ask you how much time do you think you will take to recount your entire life, to visit your past again in your mind, to ponder over every decision you ever took and wonder if it was right or wrong, to visit every heart break you ever had and relive every orgasm, to think of all the people you loved and forgive all those you hate. What would your answer be? An hour or two? A week maybe?

One second.

I remember walking down a lonely road and it has indeed been the one I have ever known. It takes me to my office and brings me back. It is my solace, my haven, my escape and is much more closer to being me than anyone else since it is in real terms of the word-“lonely”. No one takes it but I. Yes I indeed remember that road.
I also remember a warehouse on the road. A deserted colossal structure with shattered windows, broken wrought iron gates and high walls. It is along one of those walls that I walk. The sun is out on my right shinning brighter than ever on my face as if trying to burn me to ashes and the huge wall on my left trying to make me feel dwarfed by the sheer virtue of its height while I try and take each step quicker and quicker not in my haste to get anywhere but just so that I am able to escape the combined onslaught of these two forces governing my psyche one of which is natural and the other man made. I trot with my head resolutely bent down my feet pounding on the asphalt one after the other with such precise rhythm as if they are not my own but pieces of a machine moving in tandem one after the other. Sweat is eventually beginning to pour out on forehead and would soon dance its way along my face and start dribbling down on the road just ahead of me. How fascinating this is. My sweat pours out of my body and drops on the ground just ahead of my feet. That ground that I have not yet traveled, that part, which is still to come under the pounding of my feet, is yet to be explored by me, to which I do not owe anything right now. Yet before taking my liberty to stomp onto the freedom of that virgin I first must make my due payment, my tax to trod on. What is more amazing is that it is not some one whose making me pay this tax as I would like to call it but just my body and that blazing hot red mass of matter in the sky both of which I can not try to reason with. I drip and I walk and I simply can not do anything about it.

How fascinating indeed.

Neither can I do anything about my companion. Oh yes! I do have a companion, someone who is walking right along me, making sure I am never alone. It is my shadow. It always walks besides me. I can always find it right here. Though it does not talk to me or amuse me or share my laughter or my tears or for that matter even my sweat yet it is always here-my dead reflection on a dead wall. Dead? Of course dead, for it speaks naught, it cries naught, it laughs naught. It does not have a face I can remember, it does not have eyes I can see in, it does not have heart I can share my pain with.

Conscience and Desire are perhaps a man's worst enemies and best of friends. One would make you do such forbidden acts that you can not even dream of doing and the other would make you feel so miserable when you are done with, that you just want to somehow kill yourself. And yet again these two force you to give up your seat to a lady carrying a child in a bus and propelling you sometimes to do something extra ordinary of such magnitude in your life that you end up as Mahatma Gandhi, Kennedy and even Bill Gates. The desire to explore shall carry you to the edge of a cliff where your conscience would subtly push you off.
Lost in my thoughts I must have taken some wrong turn for I do not know where am I wandering to. Somehow the wall is on my right and the sun is on my left. I am perplexed! I don’t know what is going on. For though I was not paying attention to the direction my feet were carrying me in but I am so used to this road that I daresay I can take a wrong turn.
Something didn’t feel right. I had a feeling in my stomach intensifying with every passing second. Something was just not feeling right. I was looking left and right trying to make some sense of what was happening.

And then I saw it running-my shadow! It was sprinting along the length of the wall running way ahead of me. Yes it was mine, yes I am positive for there is no one around me till miles. I could do nothing but see it run ahead on the wall, sprinting and jogging.

I had just a second but I felt it. I felt the rush of the wind coming towards my hair, I felt the cold touch of the butt before it made contact with my skull before it knocked me out.

Time passed. Some hours or maybe some weeks. Maybe a life ended. Maybe I died and got reborn.

I am lying down. Someone is screaming. No I do not want to open my eyes or wake up. I am comfortable, cozy. I wish to Lord they would stop screaming. The voices are getting louder and louder. Oh damn! I can not take it anymore. I stir breaking the comfortable position my body had become so used to from lying down for so long. The first wave of consciousness hit me and along came deafening noise which rattled me right down to my soul. I jerked and sat up. I am on a stage, there are gothic figures screaming and dancing all around me. They are playing music.-hard rock, metal, deafening music. The screams are shrill and high pitched. Jumping and dancing all around me pointing at me and singing in a strange tongue which I can not comprehend these figures resembling monsters straight out of hell are entertaining a huge crowd. There are bodies as far as my eyes can reach. Everyone is using the same tongue. I do not know what they are chanting. My sitting up straight seemed to have enthused a fresh wave of energy throughout the crowd. Everyone is screaming, jumping, pointing figures at me.
And there I saw it-my shadow. Mute as ever it was jumping as hard as it could. and though there is no face, eyes, features that I can remember or recognize it by I am still sure it is my shadow. It is weird and the oddity of it was never clear to me until this point here. If I were to draw an example it would be something like picking your cell phone out of 3 other cell phones of the same make, model and color from a table. You just know its yours. You don’t need to check or to make sure.

I knew it was mine. I saw it and I had a weird feeling it was looking straight at me, right into my eyes. The meaningless babble of the crowd began to take shape, as if a picture is emerging by itself slowly out a pool of colors which were dribbled on the floor. I could make out what they were screaming. It was repeated incantation of just one word-Kill.

Kill, kill, kill.

I felt like a gladiator in an amphitheatre. A gladiator who has been thrown in the middle of wild savage animals and for whom the crowd is bursting with enthusiasm to see some flesh ripped of and blood being poured. It is like chattering of a sacred hymn in a temple. Everyone is on the same page, everyone is united and everyone knows just what to say at any precise moment in a singing tone.

Kill, kill, kill.

The chattering is getting louder. It is filling my ears and reaching my brain. My brain which is already thumping with a frenzy of activity from within. There are questions floating all around like sharks in an angry ocean, and my conscience is like a lost sailor amongst them.

Kill, kill, kill.

I looked all around me in a haste. No one I know but my shadow, which is now being hoisted on the shoulders of these gothic figures. Fresh energy is seeping throughout this menagerie. My shadow is on some shoulders. It is hopping and jumping and making way towards the stage where I lay. Everybody wants to touch it, to give it a part of their shoulders to step on. It is like the plate carrying sacred incense in Indian temples which is passed all around the devout participating in the holy prayer to touch and be blessed. My shadow is advancing rapidly towards me.

Kill, kill, kill.

A final hop and it is on the stage, facing me. The crowd has gone silent. The silence is so thick I can hear my every breath explode with a bang right in front of me. I do not know what is going to happen. I wish my shadow had eyes, eyes to give me a hint to let me know what is coming next. But no, that is not to be. Here we are facing each other. My shadow raised its right hand slowly pulling it up bringing in front of me clenched as a fist. Am I to take it? Grab the fist, bend down and kiss it? What am I expected to do? What is everyone waiting for! Torn as I am in all these confusions and questions the thumb popped up from the dark clenched fist in front of me.
The fist turned and the thumb pointed downwards.

Kill, kill, kill

The crowd erupted! The verdict had been passed. My shadow whipped his hand like a blade and the next thing I was looking at was a 9mm barrel of a revolver staring right between my eyes. The last thing I heard was the cocking as the trigger was pulled.

One second.

One second was all it took for the bullet to leave the barrel and penetrate my sanity. One second was all I had to live my life again. I had flashes, flashes lasting minutes, how I don’t know. I could see everything again. I as a child, I growing up, I losing my loved ones. I felt the pain of all my heartbreaks and relived all my orgasms. I hugged all those I loved and said good byes. After a long time I thought of God and said my prayer. I felt the chilled wind of London freezing my lungs skin and scorching heat of Delhi burning my skin. I lived every second and every year of my life again.

And I was happy, truly exotic on leaving the world finally.

The alarm went off and I realized I am late for the office. Damn! Cant even die in peace. Better get up. I have to go to the office and a road to walk. Maybe as they say my morning dream would turn out to be a reality....